Saturday, June 22, 2013

Grow with me, or without me


It's all about priorities when you're a mom. 
There's a shortage of time, especially when you have a baby or toddler, and the question becomes - what do you make time for?


Time. 
First and foremost I take care of my daughter. I make sure she's fed, changed, socialized, slept. I take her to her activities. I play with her. I make sure she doesn't choke or electrocute herself.
I take care of myself...or try to! I shower, get dressed, read, write, eat, exercise, nap, spend time with my parents.
I take care of my husband. Support, encourage, feed, kiss, communicate, talk to his parents.
I take care of my household. Groceries, cook, clean up, organize.

And then I make time for my friends. My friends are great in the sense that they give me a break from my daily routines, and usually make me feel positive and great. Mom friends bring the kids over to play with your kid, and even the friends without kids play with your kid! That being said, I have no time or patience for friends who are negative, who complain, and refuse to do anything about it. 
Life goes on. Shit happens. Sometimes bad shit happens. But it's up to you to move forward. And challenge yourself to continually move forward, at your own pace.

Having kids is a time-consuming thing. So many people without kids just don't get how much you actually have to prioritize. They think that your kid can just take care of themselves, like a dog or something. The first thing you learn being a parent is that your kid eats before you eat. The dilemma: you need to take a shower but your kid is vomiting. As a parent, it's hands-down: take care of your child first. You come second.

There are two types of friends who don't have kids:
1) The friend who really gets it. Who understands how much work you have to do, and is respectful of your personal space when you can't answer the phone because sometimes - let's face it - there's shit on your hands!
2) The friend who really doesn't get it. Who keeps calling, on the verge of harassment. Who complains, who is a victim. Who is hanging on to you because deep down they want what you have. They need your counsel because they want to get to where you are. This friend is very needy. This friend doesn't get what you do with your "time" - as if there is any time! This friend treats you as if you don't have kids, because they can't imagine what it is like to be responsible for another human being.

I think it's healthy to have all sorts of friends. Mom friends, single friends, friends who knew you before you were married, married friends, etc. 

But sometimes, you outgrow people. Sometimes, the closest friends can seem like they are on a different planet.

For me, I recently went through a "growth spurt". I got married and had a baby all within one year. And the first year of my daughter's life, I felt like I grew up fast. Of course, not many people will be growing at that same rate. But I can't deal with people who are on a downward spiral of their own making, of their own choice. Because it is a choice - a choice to get out of one's comfort zone. And that is how you grow - you do things. Lots of things. Things that challenge you.


So, do you tell this friend your feelings? You're damned if you do, and damned if you don't. If you just ignore them, they will get hurt. If you let them know your feelings, they will get hurt. But at the end of the day, it's always healthy to set boundaries. 
You can't fix people. You can't help people. You don't ever owe anybody a piece of your life. THEY are responsible for themselves & fulfilling their own needs.

There's no moral to this story. There's no ending. 
Just a note about outgrowing people...



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2 comments

  1. Hi Alexandra

    Nice post as always but this one is so accurate. There are also people who can't have kids so they are either negative or pretent that having a child responsibility is the worst thing ever however as an actual fact they cannot have a child in the first place. These sort of negative people do my head in!

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    Replies
    1. Thank you! Yes...those ones are the worst! Just have to feel sorry for them...

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