Tuesday, September 16, 2014

A (negative) domino effect

Sometimes in life it feels as though everything goes wrong at once, one thing after another, like a domino effect - catastrophe. Last week was one of those weeks for me, and I'm still processing all of it and trying to come out of my depression about it.

Husband-ji was facing his biggest season in work and was extremely stressed out. You know what that means. One spouse feels the brunt of all the other spouse's stress. I was trying to be as supportive as possible, but I can't pretend that I'm not dealing with my own stresses. So, we were arguing, and generally not getting along. Instead of being the supportive marital team that I idealize, we were constantly at odds. Husband-ji had to leave for his bi-annual work trip right in the middle of our marital issues, which acted as a barrier between us getting a chance to communicate deeply, with both of us busy with work. I was left hanging, wondering if he would be coming back and making the effort to work on the marriage WITH me. I am in this marriage for life, so I had the fear of "what if he doesn't want to work on it? And where will that leave me? And us?" For me, my marriage is the most important thing to me in the world - more than my daughter, more than family, more than work. So whenever husband-ji and I are not getting along, it makes me severely distressed.

So, he went on this work trip. And the next domino effect was that my daughter got sick with a cold. Huge ordeal, as other parents know. My poor baby was crying that her nose was stuffed and coughing, had a fever, and generally very clingy because she wasn't feeling well. She was up most nights crying that she couldn't breathe and there was not much I could do, besides the usual remedies and hugging her gently. Of course, she has been sick so many times that I should be used to it now, but I'm not. Huge ordeal. And I couldn't really take her out that much because she was sick, so we were stuck in the hot house, running out of groceries.

Because husband-ji was away and Maya was sick, I fell off the wagon with my daily routine of self-care. I didn't have time to wake up early and exercise since there were so many sleepless nights, and I also was getting overtired and feared of getting sick myself. 

Then, I got hit by pesky internet trolls all weekend. They decided that they wanted to remind me that I was a "daft cow" and a "fat slob" and a bad mother for putting Maya in preschool next year. Not to mention the other ones calling me "a bad DIL". Thanks trolls, like I needed that...

The worst part of everything was that I got into a fight with an elder from the Indian side who I had been previously getting close to. (Note: "getting into a fight" with an Indian elder is basically them screaming at you and not being able to get in a word edgewise). It really broke my heart and it was like the final dagger in my back to complete my bad week. It left me feeling confused, baffled, and feeling like I'd been through an emotional tornado. Not to mention, since there is obviously a clear elder hierarchy, I will not be getting an apology since I am lower on the food chain. I'm just the Firangi Bahu that "takes things the wrong way" and can't just tolerate-tolerate-tolerate. And I have to somehow live with that and come to terms with that, pretend like it never happened and jaisa desh vaisa bhes, and I don't even know how...with all the cultural things, it's not your average rodeo...

Towards the end of the week, I switched my phone off, because I just couldn't deal with one more hurt. I didn't want to answer the phone, my door, or even go outside and see anybody because I literally couldn't deal with one more thing. So I just stayed home with my daughter and read her books and colored with her, and tried to feel emotionally safe in her company. 

Now the week is over and I am so glad to put it behind me. My daughter is almost better and husband-ji returned, and has been more supportive and gentle with me than when he left. My dad was also very supportive and I leaned on him a lot. I am back on my daily routine of self care, and on the mend...



  1. When it rains it pours.
    Sorry about all that ickiness you went through.
    What is it with those trolls & you?
    What sort of no life loser has all that time to pester you?
    Even after 14 yrs of marriage the Indian 'hierarchy' still comes up with some unpleasant surprises for me.
    If it isn't an 'elder' then it is another DIL or SIL or BIL or cousin's uncle's nephew's aunt either disagrees, finds fault, or decides you need to be 'put in your place' (usually a lesser place than them) just because.
    Kudos to dad for being supportive!
    Take care!

  2. I have just started reading this blog recently and absolutely love it. You are sweet and humorous. I am sure husband ji cannot stay mad at you for long :)

    Take care, sweetheart!

    1. Awwwww thank you :) Glad you like it. And yes, he cannot ;)

  3. In the last 3 weeks, I fell ill then the baby got a viral infection, then my husband caught both my illness and the baby's illness... meanwhile at work it is only problems not only for me but for everybody... Do you believe in astrology ? ;)

    1. Awful! And yes, I totally do! I have an astrologer here....

  4. Hugs to you dear. Some catastrophic things happen at the same time. I face it all the time. Regarding the trolls, please write to blogspot and publicize their identity. These assh^&* need to be taught a lesson.


    1. They really do...ugh!
      Thanks Deepa for your support.


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