Friday, February 6, 2015

Ask Firangi Bahu: "My Indian boyfriend broke up with me because he wants to make everyone else happy"


Sharing a letter from a reader...

"Dear Madh Mama,

I am a girl that has been reading your blog for the last couple of months, and I have found it really helpful for understanding Indian culture, as well as my sentimental situation. I am writing to you as I am now in a very complicated situation and I would like to receive an advice from somebody who can somehow understand my Western views, as well as Indian culture and thinking.

My South Indian boyfriend and I met in my home country last year, and since then I have had the sweetest moments of my life with him; but right now I am facing the worst fears and a lot of pain for letting him go. He is going back to India forever, and our relationship will in a couple of months come to an end.

From the moment we decided to start our relationship, he clearly explained to me his complicated personal and family life, and told me that he could not promise me to continue our relationship in the future (after he completes his work project in my home country). This is his situation - he has been separated from his wife for the last 4 years, as his marriage was a failure from the beginning. The reason why he is living abroad is because if he is in India, his younger brother cannot get a bride; and his family is also suffering a lot from his separation because of the social stigma of having a divorced person in their family. His wife already has a previous child with another man and she requested a legal divorce from my boyfriend. My boyfriend is fighting for legal custody of his biological child.

As a Western woman, it is really difficult for me to understand that we can't be together if we love each other. If he gave me the chance, I would go to India and explore how I feel living in India, and if everything works fine I would take care of his son and build a family with him. His mother knows about me and how much we love each other. She actually she let him know that she would be happy to have me as her daughter in law if he decided to be with me.

However, he is determined to end our relationship, go back to India forever, by himself, AND if needed, get back with his wife just to make his child and all of his family happy.

I am really trying hard to understand his decision, but I cannot stop myself from feeling frustrated, extremely sad for our breaking up, very angry on him at times, and super worried about him. I will feel very bad if I come to know he is living an unhappy life pleasing others and not having somebody fully loving him back. He always talks about "faith" - "We cannot be together in the future because of my faith", "I love you, but my faith separates us", but I find this extremely difficult to understand. I grew up believing that if I want something I should fight against adversities to get it, to fight for love and to do anything possible to be with my beloved one and make each other happy, to love, care and respect my family´s decisions knowing that I can expect the same from them.

I would really appreciate if you could give me some advice, from your experience, (I am sure that you have a good understanding of divorce in India), to understand why he is taking this decision, and how can I change MY mindset in order to let him go without hard feelings and wishing him the best. It is really tough for me not to feel hurt by him and understand why he will put my love away, even though even his mother would be happy if we decided to be together.

I want him to feel my good wishes as he was the best for me, and I don't want to give him anything but what I received from him - his love..."

---------

Dear readers, what advice would you give to our fellow Firangi?
Has family obligations ever forced a break-up between you and your mate?
Have you ever dated/married a man who has been previously divorced?
How many intercultural relationships fall victim to societal stigmas?


SHARE:

36 comments

  1. Dear Letter Reader:

    You have to understand that from the very beginning he told you that he did not see much of a future for the two of you, yet you went ahead and embarked on a relationship with him. Him telling you this was his way of saying this is what you can expect from me; take it or leave it. I do not doubt that there is love there but can you really see a healthy future with someone who makes main life decisions based on everyone else's happiness and what he deems accepted by his family and society?

    This statement by you "I will feel very bad if I come to know he is living an unhappy life pleasing others and not having somebody fully loving him back" Why would you feel bad? Everyone is in charge of their own destiny regardless of culture and he has the choice to be happy with you if that is what he really wants. Is frustrating sometimes to see the Indian culture and the way "things are done" as the main blame point for this type of situations.

    For the record, I am Latin married to an Indian for over 10 years so I am not here excusing and advocating for the Indian culture out of some sort of patriotism or loyalty. He is an adult and while I understand the constraints and "guilt driven drama" of Indian culture, the final say lies with him.

    Divorce is a stigma in India but is not that uncommon nowadays. My own sister in law is divorced and living alone in Ahmadabad enjoying her life and independence and still very close to family and friends. It also helps that my husband's family is very modern and independent.

    If you two are meant to be great but if not, enjoy the time you have / had together and cherished the memories you both shared. Good Luck!!!

    Millie B

    ReplyDelete
  2. I can only say I am sorry dear for your situation and I understand how you feel. I know it is very easy to say that but I do not like whatever bla bla your boyfriend is telling you, for me he does not really love you. I can not hide my anger against men like him. He does not deserve your love. I am married to Punjabi man who is also divorced he never gave up on our love for no reason or person. Now we are happily married and waiting for our baby boy to be born very soon. That is my opinion sorry for not actually helping. Big hug :)

    ReplyDelete
  3. Dear LW,

    I know this can be frustrating, but you should just be glad that your BF was always honest and open with you about him and his family and personal situation. To begin with I will not say there was no love, because if there was no love he could have easily lied to you about everything and just left for his country or given you a cold shoulder all of a sudden saying that this will not work out. But your BF was honest right from the beginning, which means he had no intention of taking you for a ride and he really respected you and your feelings which is why he has explained his situation in detail to you. Faith and for that matter belief system is an individual's preference and nobody has the right to judge a person for his/her beliefs. Just like you have your own set of beliefs he has his own. Just like you have your own thoughts and ideas he has his own. Why do we forget that you are in love, that does not mean that you own a person and expect that person to change especially when your BF was so clear from the beginning. You chose to be in this relationship despite knowing the truth so it's your problem now to deal with this. Please do not harbor negative intentions for him and just let him go. If you truly loved him, understand his problem and don't judge him. And as far his unhappiness in future is concerned, you are nobody to decide that. If he wishes to remain unhappy it's his wish. He can remain unhappy even by marrying you as then he is going against his belief system right? Have you thought of that?
    He is an adult and has every right to stay or leave a relationship just like you have a right. You had every right to walk away from the relationship, but you chose to continue and you chose to develop feelings, I am assuming that you were not forced to love him.
    So let him go peacefully, retain the memories and move on. I am telling you all this because I myself went through this kind of stuff some years back. I blamed my ex-partner for everything, lived with anger and resentment and ultimately suffered a lot. Slowly I began to realize that it was no one's fault.Some things are not meant to be and therefore will never be. I took time to heal, fell in love again and now I am married to a wonderful person. So life does not stop. And trust me, stop asking these why's and so many questions. Some things are best left. There is no such thing as "the one" person in life. You will find someone who has the same outlook towards life and then everything will be fine.
    All the best!!!

    ReplyDelete
  4. Girl, you don't want a man like that in your life. Believe me, I was also in a relationship with an Indian guy who was not willing to compromise or make any sacrifices for us. When a man loves you for real, he would do ANYTHING and EVERYTHING to be with you. Remember...you are PRICELESS.

    ReplyDelete
  5. My Indian boyfriend ended our relationship, we were together for FIVE years, because he chose to get an arranged marriage. Now he is back in india and on his honeymoon and calling me every single day!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The poor decisions he has made....is beyond me. I have lost all respect for him. He is now disrespecting his new wife and making me in to the other woman!!!!!!!!!!! I have told him to stop contacting me and I do not answer the phone. It is such a mess!!!!!!!!!!!! OF HIS MAKING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  6. I'm sorry to say this, but you're pretty much screwed. We Indians have an insane need to please everyone else and forego our own happiness. Not sure where it comes from, but my guess would be a deep seated insecurity complex and the result of being brought up in a completely authoritarian culture.

    Basically your boyfriend is allowing his family to emotionally blackmail him. And I have to also say that you SHOULDN'T go back with him to India and try and form a life with him there. Absolutely...do...not....do that. Obviously not all Indian men are like this, but from the description you've given, I would bet my ass that your life there would be terrible.

    The same concern for the wishes of his family he is showing now, would continue and before you know it he will start insisting that you dress "properly", be submissive, and stop working. If you think it's not possible, just ask others on this blog, and see what they have to say.

    I apologize for not having anything hopeful and not bringing you any good news. But I feel you NEED to know this. I'm dead serious. Don't do anything rash, and just him go back to India. Do not follow him.

    If he stays with you in your country though, you should be fine. I've seen/heard of lots of examples of men whose behavior inexplicably changes once they're back with their family fold. You BF seems to be an emotionally weak person who can't stand up either for himself, or for you. Don't tempt fate.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Totally agree with bhagwad.
      The guy is already weak, if you marry him, soon you will see he us changing acciording to what his;mom, auntie, uncle,sister, and so on saying.
      I experienced it myself.
      Especially being "submissive" will be hell for you.
      Thats what women in India are excpectes to behave like.
      Now he may be sweet, it will change after coming to India.
      Treat it as a favour, it is better for you to stay in your country.
      I dont think your love would meet understanding there, esp between family members.
      Remember he will listen to them, not you.

      Delete
  7. I am an American man and I read your blog. I think it is very well written, and for the record I have zero knowledge of Indian culture. Maybe that is why I don't understand this. I don't understand why the guy just can't go through with the divorce, they were already separated. And fight for custody of the kid. Why does the guy have to go back and try to make it work when they already split up? They will just have the same problems over and over again. That's just my 2 cents.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I am also Westerner, (married to Indian) and I know how divorce is stigmated in India etc.
      But the guy wasnt honest, if he would be fair he would not LET that relation even start!
      It was obviously comfortable for him, to have women abroad, and put his safe back , declaring"I hve wife in India"
      Ok, he may have, then why he let girl fell n love?
      As he lived on West, he knew romantic and love are considered here diffrwntly.
      And he could predict it.
      But, no-he let things happen, leaving girl in tears.
      Which he knew will develope like that.
      Justyfing him , just because "he told situation"is not fair in my opinion.

      Delete
  8. My experience with custody cases in India is that he would need to be present and that they last A LONG TIME. Even a simple divorce can take up to four years depending on where you are and the court system there. Having you as a partner will not go in his favour, right or wrong, especially if he is still legally married as he was cheating on his wife with a pardeshi.

    I'm sorry that it's not working out. It seems very complicated but he knows where his priorities are. Perhaps there could be some way to stay together long distance while he fights for custody and gets his brother married, but this could take many years and there's no guarantee what will happen on either side of the relationship during that time.

    Faith is also a huge issue. I couldn't be with someone who doesn't share my faith because it's that important to me, to my children, so I can understand where he's coming from. I would not want to raise children with someone who doesn't share my faith, or share a home and a life. I think it wouldn't be fair to start that relationship if it's not going anywhere, but then you can't control who you fall in love with. I also wouldn't want someone to falsely convert just to please me. Faith comes from inside and can't be forced.

    To me, it seems like he is being honest and upfront and you are lucky for that. Many Indian men aren't, and their partners find out too late in the game that they will never come first. It's not wrong that they put their mothers or their families before themselves, it's just different to how we live. It's beautiful that families work so hard to make each others lives happier. It's incredible that an older brother will suffer so much to make sure his younger siblings all end up in good marriages, I mean that would NEVER happen here! I don't think you can fault him for any of those 'choices' (which he likely doesn't even really see as a choice), especially since you knew it was coming.

    I hope this isn't coming off as harsh. It sucks to be heartbroken, and it's sad that he is going to have to put his own happiness on hold for quite a while, but it's also his reality. I don't think it would help you being in India, unless he comes from a rare place where white women are accepted (we are idolised, but rarely accepted).

    I don't agree with other posters that he's allowing his family to control and blackmail him. I do think that the culture is beautiful, if difficult to understand. Yes, some men take it too far and put their Indian family above the one they chose to make and that's wrong - they should always be at least of equal importance. But to me it doesn't sound like he is putting them above you - just that he was in a difficult position when he met you and that hasn't changed. If I could see any answer to his problems that would include you I would jump to comment against his choices, but I honestly can't.

    You say you can't see him living an unhappy life, but you don't know that he will be. For some Indian men, there is a great deal of satisfaction in taking care of their families and he already has two that need his time and attention. He very well may find an Indian girl who makes him happy. You haven't been to India and don't know if you would like the life he could give you there. It's actually quite rare than a western woman is prepared to live in India for ever AND happily AND making her man happy. India is where he needs to be because he obviously wants to be with his child, who also deserves to at least have regular contact with his/her mother and sibling.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Don't believe a word he has said !! Have you heard for yourself his mother say she would accept you ??? Have you got proof he is separated and doesn't still call his wife daily when your not home???
    He is most probably having fun with you living the high life while he is in your country and making up excuses for why he has to go back home to leave you, meanwhile his happily married wife kids and family are waiting there for him and everything he said was bullshit.
    Be careful that he is not lying and making up a huge story to you just to make himself not look bad and give him an easy escape!!!! They can be HUGE liers !!! I was lied to for 7 years about his parents having accepted me but then found out later they didn't know a thing about me he had never told them and he is now happily married (arranged marriage) with a child !

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I have heard of similar situations. It isnt common But not unheard of.

      Delete
    2. I agree too. He his lying about divorce and parents. He just want to have some companionship while staying abroad.

      Delete
  10. Thank you so much for your informaciĆ³n about divorce and your advices! I just want to make clear a couple of things: when i say "faith", I mean destiny. We are open enough to each other's religion, and this has not been an issue for us until today.
    And one last thing I am not a white woman, I am a latin american woman. However, I think your advice are still very valid and helpful.
    Regards!

    ReplyDelete
  11. You are going to have to let him go. For traditional Indians, love never comes first. Duty to ones family is top priority. So unfortunately, that means you were never first in his mind. It sounds like he has already let you go, and you must do the same. If he is miserable once he is back home, so be it. It was his choice. You deserve someone who will put you above all others and have your back no matter what. Some people just can't be with others who don't completely share their religion and culture. This is NOT your fault, it just means that you must part ways and wish the best for each other. Best of luck to you, and remember that you deserve better!

    ReplyDelete
  12. I think he has been straight from the start telling you that there was little hope of future from this relationship. At this point, As hard as it may seem, I would let him go and move on. He chose to put himself in this situation himself. And in India, love doesn't conquer all, nor does it rank above family duty.

    In his divorce and custody issue, he also need to not have a girlfriend in the picture, which is the reason why you can't go to India. If his wife can prove he cheated, and has a firangi girlfriend living in the country with him, his chance of getting custody of the son will become very slim.

    All in all, I think you deserve much better.

    ReplyDelete
  13. i will offer my advise being an indian guy who has made a big mistake. i got an arranged marriage because that is what my family expected me to do. at first my wife was ok but it became clear that she got some mental problems. we had a kid together within the first yr of our marriage. i have never been happy in my marriage. we have different values and nothing in common. i am miserable. we have tried separating and she took my kid back to india for 3yrs. i spoke to a lawyer there and he said i have no chance of getting custody. now i am stuck in this marriage because i dont wanna lose my kid. i plan on divorcing me wife when he gets a bit older. i cant wait.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I have a close friend in the exact same position but he wants to divorce and is struggling because of the social stigma to be placed upon his father if he does. He's ready to make the move and has partial family support. He would come to the states to build a life and then bring the children when they are older (10+). I am trying to learn more about the divorce process and what that would look like in his "very similar" situation. Have you made any progress or changes in the past 1.5yrs since posting? Appreciate any general advice.

      Delete
  14. You shouldn't have to convince him to fight for your relationship. It's obvious he doesn't want the same as her and why be with someone who needs to be persuaded to see why they should be together?! Sounds like he's doing her a favor and she deserves better.

    ReplyDelete
  15. This is sad situation. However, I do not see a writer as a victim, simply because a man has been frank with her since the first day of relationship.

    Divorces are pretty rare in India, so personally I know no one who has been divorced there. But I heared from my future husband, how the marriage separation of one family member can ruin the image of all family. Which makes me believe, the writer's boyfriend would rather fix his current marriage, then continue setting his family on fire. He still has his younger brother who needs to get married in the end, right?

    But even if her boyfriend wants to divorce his wife. She can not come to India, because he will be fighting a legal custody. Any proof that he had an affair, while being married (!), will decrease his chances in court. So, unfortunately, she may lay even more heavy burden on him and his family.

    And if she can not understand his motives or why he doesn't fight for her, but choose family...then she wil not able to accept his values in a long run, in a case he changes his mind in her favor. Indians can not be swellheads when it comes to their family. That's what differs them from the most of westerners.

    I know she is heartbroken, but she also needs to think whether she wants to get through this agony for a man who has already decided his own path (and not in her favor). I do not suggest her to convince him doing anything. But I do think she needs to convince herself to move on. This is not as hard as she might think right now. People do breakup, but I saw those very people were getting married with someone better, more loving and caring in some time. My future husband and I were such kind of people too, btw.

    She can always do better - a never married man who will spend the rest of his life with her. Such men do exist and they are ready to treat you like a gem.

    ReplyDelete
  16. I've been dating a gujrati man for the past year and half and I am a Hispanic woman...I've carefully read Madh Mamas blog and a lot of articles I've found relating to most Indians traditions and culture. I've stayed with him, although I know a future is not possible because I am clear of it. I've learned, and you can take this if you want, "people come into our lives for a reason, a season or a lifetime" One must learn to let go when necessary, when the time has come to let go. He has way too much drama in your life and is causing a toll on you. Im sure you have enjoyed each others company, time, love and affection, but his duties will be his family. My guy has not even told his family nor friends about me. And I've accepted that's our reality, and I know my family, my friends, nor I want this for my future.

    You will heal, you will find true love, this was just a time, a lesson to learn. Embrace the lesson and when you are ready...or the time comes to....let go and walk away with your dignity, love and self respect.

    ReplyDelete
  17. 'My new life as an Indian wife'

    http://www.bbc.com/news/magazine-31064322

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes, that is my friend Lauren!
      http://englishwifeindianlife.com/

      Delete
  18. I don't understand why woman get involve with married man. I don't care whether he is separated or unhappy in his marriage. There are enough single/divorced men out there, why get involved with a married one. This is not an "indian" culture issue. I have no sympathy with the letter writer.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I kinda don't understand why men - who have no intention of divorce, pursue a relationship (that too, years long) with a single girl who is looking for marriage. I mean, who is really at fault here?

      Delete
  19. Divorces are still uncommon and quite taboo in India. Speaking from personal experience , a divorced person just gets treated like an inferior person in society. There is still stigma attached to it and one doesn't feel very comfortable .
    I pretty much have cut off my relations with all my indian friends and relatives as I still feel that pressure as if I failed them all in not making my marriage successful. In this case where even a child is involved it will be so much harder. Sad but true.
    As much as you love this person I would say it is time for you to move on too for your own happiness and self respect . Of course it will take time , it is a grieving process but for your own sanity perhaps that may be the best thing to do. I am sure you will work out what's best for you. Good luck !

    ReplyDelete
  20. This is a classic case of "He never really loved you" with 2 cultures thrown in. My view -

    1. The guy had clearly indicated that he was not looking for a commitment from the very beginning and you still went into the relationship. It does not matter what culture you are from

    Here is a guy who openly indicates he does not want commitment for whatever reason (that is his reason and life not yours) and the woman still stays. He had his cake and ate it as well.

    Regardless of the cultrue, one thing I know is men rarely lie. If they say that they do not want commitment, believe them and leave if you want commitment. Also, look out for their actions. It is very easy to fantasize that your love is going to make him change his mind and miraculously make him want commitment. Doesn't work that way in most cases.

    2. If you love something let it go. You need to let him go if he wants to go. Nothing you do can make him change his mind even if you turn out to be the bestest most awesome girlfriend in the world. Even, if he stays, there will be a lot of resentment.

    There is a huge difference between compromising and bending over backwards to make a guy want to stay. Also, would you like it if you wanted to break up with a guy because you did not feel 'it' and he tried to make you change your mind? Has it ever happened to you or your friends? What were your views about that?

    3. "I am really trying hard to understand his decision ..."

    Stop trying to analyse a breakup just in the aftermath of a breakup. He WANTS to leave. Let him. Stop trying to understand the way his brain works and why he thinks the way he thinks.

    I know it is sad and upsetting but people make dumb decisions every day. It is so obvious to others but they still do it. The truth is we cannot make other people do things. We can only control ourselves (and fail at that too). I am frustrated that we go to war. I am frustrated that people are racist / sexist etc. But can I really change their views or stop people other than explaining to them or not letting them shit with me?


    4. "I grew up believing that if I want something I should fight against adversities to get it, to fight for love and to do anything possible to be with my beloved one and make each other happy, to love, care and respect my family´s decisions knowing that I can expect the same from them."

    If you want something, you fight for it. But how can you fight for others when they do not want to fight for themselves?

    5. "I would ..... understand why he is taking this decision"

    The thing is honey, you do not need to understand his decision just the way I do not understand the people why people kill other people. It just is. This is not a cultural issue, it is a common relationship issue that is using culture as an excuse.

    Breakups hurt. Like hell. Feel the pain and try to trudge along 1 day after another. Surely, you will see light at the end of the tunnel one day.


    6. "I want him to feel my good wishes as he was the best for me, and I don't want to give him anything but what I received from him - his love..."

    You sound like you are trying to make him stay by showing him that you are best Girlfirend in the world. In the process you are becoming a doormat and letting him use you and walk over you all the way to India.

    My advice - Break up with him PRONTO!! Cease all contact. Move on. You want to cry? - Go to your family and friends. Eat Chocolate and ice cream. Join some new activity. Crowd him out of your life.


    Have you ever dated/married a man who has been previously divorced? No

    Has family obligations ever forced a break-up between you and your mate?How many intercultural relationships fall victim to societal stigmas?
    I do not know any personally but there could be many. At the end of the day, it is about the people in the relationship and if they are willing to stand up.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm going through a 5-year relationship breakup with my Punjabi girlfriend and I can't tell you enough how much this post speaks to my personality. Thank you.

      Delete
  21. Regardless of he being Indian, if you know there is no future to a relationship, why do you go in that direction.
    the man stating "it is not going to work" is not at all justifiable! it does not make any sense!!!!
    it is like exploiting the girl!
    How can a girl fall for such a person?

    ReplyDelete
  22. This letter writer is reaching out for advice and support, not judgment! Let’s try and provide helpful feedback as a community.

    My 2 cents… Intercultural relationships require A LOT of compromise and even more patience and communication. In fact, sometimes the compromises are so large; both sides feel like they are being slighted. It is so important that both people in the relationship are ‘all in’ and dedicated to making it work. If you partner isn’t willing to entertain giving your relationship a shot, he won’t be willing to compromise with you on the day-to-day challenges.

    Perhaps your partner will regret his choice one day, but he needs to own his happiness and decisions. You can control your happiness and although it may be heart breaking, I think its best you let him go. That said, only YOU know what is truly best for yourself. Listen to your intuition – its always genuine.

    Good luck!

    Natalie

    ReplyDelete
  23. I agree very much with Natalie. I do not place judgement on the letter writer - she has done nothing wrong - she is single, she is not married.
    Clearly the boyfriend has been giving her the message that he is separated, and he both continued and started a relationship with her, and it seems he gave the impression that there was some hope for them despite his circumstances, otherwise they would not have been together for so long.
    In North America, there is a legality about separation wherein you can legally date other people. But in India, it is not final until the actual divorce, which can take years - and in most cases, the woman gets custody of the children....so he clearly has a long battle ahead of him.
    I find it selfish of him to have continued this relationship with you. Yes, he was honest about his situation, which should have been a red flag/deal-breaker for you - but, lesson learned for the future. It is not your fault at all. Instead I blame him for being in such a mess AND bringing it into your life.
    I think it is best to let him go, let him solve his personal problems, and meanwhile - invest in yourself. Be loving to yourself in such a difficult time of heart break. It is never easy. The only thing you can take from it is in the future, know what you want in a relationship and have some deal-breakers.
    I would try to move on, and don't wait for him because it seems he has a long haul in front of him. In relationships, sometimes timing is key. Maybe you are ready for a partner; but it seems like he is not. Going forward, be open and your life partner will come to you. Trust the timing of life...everything happens for a reason <3
    Big hugs to you....
    xo
    A.

    ReplyDelete
  24. My Dear...
    This is my advice.

    Sorry if my english language is not perfect.
    We have same situation. Still until now me and my boyfriend cannot solve this problem.

    Move on. Just put this feeling aside first. Time will let you know.
    We cannot force anyone to do what we want.

    I am sure he remember about you. Your hugs and kisses. Your love for him. Every moment you had together.

    You dont have a key of his life. Put all of this aside. Continue your life. Be open to a new relationship. No body know what will be happen tomorrow.

    Trust me he loves you too. And remember that he is in difficult situation also.

    Be strong and always have faith. This is not in your hand.

    Dont feel bad about him. If he come later to you, at that is the time you have the "key".

    God bless you. .

    ReplyDelete
  25. Dear Firangi,

    first of all, I admire your strength and willingness to fight for this man even though you are feeling hurt. Many women in your place would give up and never speak of this again.

    I also do not understand Indian culture as well as Western but I have many Indian friends and from what I see, I can tell you that they are all raised in a way, that they want to make their family proud in the future. In my case, my fellow Indian students are studying abroad at prestigious European universities so that they can make their families proud. They have all joined Indian societies where they can practice their culture and religion and meet other Indians as well. To be honest, I don't know any Indian guy who is dating a non-Indian girl. On the other hand, I've been part of different discussions on girlsaskguys and I've seen more Indian girls wondering if they should start dating a non-Indian guy. So, maybe there are really some boundaries which make Indian people have second thoughts about dating Western people. It is probably, like your boyfriend has told you, the social dogma at home which might make their families hurt and feel ashamed.

    I find your situation very difficult and I also try to find ways to explain your friend's behavior but I guess he was just completely determined from the beginning of your relationship, that he'll return to India and end your relationship regardless of the love you feel for one another. I admire his determinedness but do not understand his indifference to the love you both have for one another.

    Wish you both well!
    Felicia

    ReplyDelete
  26. I realise this is an old post however I am curious to know what ended up happening in this instance now that it is two years later? It is also very common for Punjabi men to put their children and parents needs first before themselves. Then there is the pressure of maintaining the family status. Anyone else will never take priority unless he considers you to be marriage material and all his family accept you. It is the environment he grew up in so although he knows better it is engrained into him. Bringing a foreigner into the picture would most likely only bring more trouble than its worth that he just doesn't want to fight for it. I have dated many men like this and left them as I don't believe they will ever change. Then I met my husband who up front fought to be with me no matter the difficulties. We ended up proving all the haters wrong when I moved to Punjab to support my husband. Hence why I am interested to know if he did end up leaving for good or divorced his wife and fought for love.

    ReplyDelete

Respectful comments only, please! (That means you, anonymous.)

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...
© Madh Mama. All rights reserved.
BLOGGER TEMPLATE DESIGNED BY pipdig