Friday, June 5, 2015

Ask Firangi Bahu: "I still want to marry your son. But I can't...because of you"


(Img by Garrett Carroll)


This week's #AskFirangiBahu is not a question, rather sharing a heart-wrenching open letter from a long-time reader to her ex-boyfriend's parents.....


"My open letter to my Indian almost-in laws:

Namaste you both, first of all I am sorry for my English but it's not my mother tongue. Neither is Hindi, the language you use daily. Still I call you my almost – in laws. Shocked? Surely you are. I am from Germany and I'm half Italian, half German, and 33 years old. Hi.

And I wanted to marry your son. Your good Indian son, living in India. Actually, I still want to do that. But I can't. Because of you. Though you don't even know I even exist. Weird? More than that. I met your son in a chat room five and a half years ago. Ya, such things happen nowadays. We randomly met there and it became a regular thing, as we enjoyed our company and the conversations which lasted longer and longer. We became best friends. And then we fell in love with each other. I know what you think about love. You are very traditional middle class people and Digambar Jains. You only marry within your own, social, religious group. Arranged, of course. So I am not the kind of "good girl" you expect to live and sleep with your son and be a part of your joint family. "Love comes after marriage", is what you were taught and what you even experienced among each other in your own marriage. But still we fell for each other. Because love doesn't care if you are married yet. It doesn't care if the religions, the social groups or the nationalities match. It doesn't even care if the female is older. Oh, did I mention that I am 4.5 years (as you faked his age for educational purposes officially even 5.5 years) older than your son? Oh dear auntie ji, I can feel your raised blood pressure.

But we fell in love. Why? Because we understand each other like no other does. We share the same interests in most of the things, we love to debate intelligently, have exactly the same views about life in important things. Can you believe, though I am a white European, that I have the same morals like you? I know you won't believe. But I do. He tried to fight his feelings down, because he knew you would not want me for him. So don't be mad with him, he is a good son. He really tried. But you know what you don't know, auntie ji and uncle ji? What it means to find the ONE? THE ONLY TRUE SOULMATE? There are myths, stories and songs regarding this true love. Mostly, this concept is ridiculed. But why are those stories (i.e. Romeo and Juliet), the movies (i.e. Veer Zaara) etc. so successful? Because we all have this deep rooted instinct, wish and hope in us, to find that ONE. Our other half. You may dislike it, but your son is my ONE. There have been many situations and occasions which proved it, which I can't explain now, else it's going to get a novel here. But I would be more than happy to tell those incidents one day to you. He is the one if feel complete with. I feel lost without him. He eases me in my sorrows and pain. I live for him, he is my life, meri jaan. I can drown in the depth of his eyes and he is the one whom I look happily at while thinking of getting old with him. He is my home, no matter where I am. And I love him more than anyone else, more than myself, and more than you love him. Yes, it's true. He tried to fight it down, but couldn't. Because I am the same for him and we are addicted of each other. 

I came to India though he told me he would deny me. But I had to see him finally, to see if it's still real in reality. But it was more than that. I needed to also see India and if I could manage it. And it felt like home. He could not deny our love. I fought to be with him for more than a year...and then we ended up in a long distance relationship. I convinced him that we have to give this love a try. It took him ages to try, because he is so much in fear of you and what you would say. But he tried and he had to begin a secret, second life behind your back. Almost each free minute we were stuck together on Skype, WhatsApp, etc. I came to India three times, without your knowledge. But he didn't just make it simple for us. I had to sign a mail filled with conditions. That he would never leave India was one of them. The most important one was, that he needs a social standing (good degree and a good job) first, before he tells you about us. And if YOU deny, he would obey. 

In Europe we don't have conditions to love each other. We just do it. It should be a simple thing. I had the option to show some European pride and say, "either you love me without any conditions or leave me".  But I felt I had to try. I was sure that this love story was big enough that we would make it in the end. I didn't want to regret anything later. They say, we regret the things we didn't do the most, in the end. So I entered this relationship, knowing my risks for a heartbreak were possible. He did so much to get the social standing. He studies the ICAI-studies, but unfortunately kept on failing his finals. Surely you want to say now, that I distracted him. No. Each semester, all I mostly got, was seeing him in a Skype video and hearing his breath while he studied to become something that makes you proud. Maybe, just maybe proud enough, so he would earn the standing infront of you that you might accept his choice of a life partner. We hoped for the best, though we knew you wouldn't approve. I am never good enough for him in your eyes. I am of the – sorry if I use such words – the wrong breed. I never judged Indian culture, I admire it. I studied it. I am an anthropologist. The topic of my bachelor thesis is about the Indian marriage system and its changes. I read more than you can imagine about your country and culture; saw more documentaries than you can believe and experienced more in India than a common tourist, as I needed and wanted to understand everything. 

I learned Hindi (meri hindi acchi nahi hai so far, lekin thori samajhti hun). I became a vegetarian. I share a lot of the ideals and spiritual thoughts of Jainism and was ready to convert. I was ready to live with you all, with his grandparents even, to take care of them and you, when you get old. I learned Indian cooking. So far, everyone has liked it. I tried my best to learn the things without losing myself in it, like many others do. Because I always wanted to be a part of your family without losing my personality. I am a good person, you know. Actually - I can say with pride - I am a really good person. I don't harm anyone. I love and care for my family more than a usual daughter. I don't lie. I don't cheat. I love to live and to laugh and try to make people around me happy. I don't drink, I don't smoke and I believe that marriage is something holy. I would have never divorced your son. Not all Europeans do this by the way. My parents have been married since 34 years now. Happily, by the way. 

But again I need to be a bit harsh, I am not of your BREED. I don't know the things yet, which I would be ready to learn. I have the wrong skin color, though Indians want their daughter in law as bright as possible. I am a good person, but it doesn't matter, because I am not Indian. And I am too old, though with all due respect, age is just a number and I do look 25. 

But SHE is – the one we all don't know yet, but who will be picked by you for him one day. She got born in the right family in the right place. She did nothing as what I did for your son. I did everything I could for him. I payed THREE tickets to travel to see him (which is also costly for a European. We are also not all millionaires). So basically I travelled the world for him. Your son knows (and he told me), that what I did for him...no one else would ever do all these things. No one can love him the way I do and do what I did. We both know that. But it doesn't matter to you. It's SHE who fits in your perfect family image. 

Happiness is not that important, as long as your satisfaction is there. He will end up like one of his friends, whom I know personally by the way. His family found an absolute beautiful wife for him. But you should see them in pictures. I know a picture is just a moment captured in a second. But they look the same in all: stiff, awkwardly smiling and uncomfortable. An Indian would see a young, happily smiling, married couple. But I know how a young married couple should look like, when there is LOVE. And his friend and his wife don't love each other. The friend just mentions always how difficult it is to adjust with each other. Is this what a young married couple should even think? Ask yourself, do you really want this for your son? Or do you really love him like a parent should: unconditionally, which means you would ALWAYS want his absolute happiness? Do you also want to see him with his wife on pictures smiling awkwardly but having empty eyes? Or do you want to see the light of life, love and pride shining in his eyes? 

He left me. After 3.5 years of a loving relationship. Because he couldn't be in this trap of failing his exams, which means he couldn't achieve a social standing. So it meant he could not even ask your permission to marry me. He didn't want to spoil more of my time. He left me. And I feel like I am dying each day a little more inside. I asked him, if he had left me too, if he were – say a German – and wouldn't need any sort of standing to choose a wife. He denied straight away. He left me because of this system in your culture. You are Gods to him. This is how it is in traditional middle class families in India. Gods. He couldn't disappoint you in telling you about me, while he already disappointed you because of his failing exams. And he cries, though I don't speak to him at the moment, I know his pain. He knows my love for him, so he knows that he damaged my heart forever, he damaged my dreams, my hopes, everything. He has to live with this knowledge forever. He is in the same pain that I suffer. And you don't even know this. He smiles at you and you are not able to see his pain behind the smile. Why are you Gods? Why does anyone think, parents love us the most? 

I explain you, how I understand the concept love. Love means a decision. We also decide to love the bad, ugly, dark sides of a person (which everyone has). We love the failures, mistakes, everything. I saw these negative sides of your son. Still... I want to be with him. It means, I love him completely. You just love the image, you have of him. The image of himself, that he gives you. You know nothing about me, the most important thing in his life. You don't know that he actually wants to become a teacher and that accounting bores him like hell. You don't know that he actually would love to help the poor people and teach them. You don't know his dreams, his desires, his tears, his pain and so many other things. You don't know, because you don't want to know. You created an atmosphere of fear when he grew up, just like many Indian parents do. Fear is not love. You put him into dependence. He has to admire you for all what you did. But dear almost-parents in law: feeding, educating, giving gifts, a roof, clothes and a mobile is not something special that forces a child to be obedient towards you until you die. It is your DUTY. Every normal, good parent does that (of course only if you have the monetary things to do that). We should be thankful as children and always appreciate our parents, no doubt about that. But it doesn't give you the right to use your duty as an instrument of fear, so you can move your child like a figure on your playing field called life. A real loving parent creates an atmosphere of trust, so the child can also tell the negative things or – more important – their love for someone else to them and trust, without the risk of abandonment. Then you would get the label "real good parent". But you are never Gods. You are humans and also do mistakes. 

By the way, creating fearful children is a mistake. And disallowing your child whom he or she wants to marry is against their basic human rights. It even is against Indian marriage law. As I said, I studied it all. But it doesn't matter, does it? You went to an astrologer to find out what is wrong with your son's stars – why does he not pass the exams? You even asked about his future wife. The fortune teller told you that he would pick the woman of his choice. You were fine with it. But if you would come to know about me, then what? Would you curse the fortune teller suddenly and stop believing it? I am pretty sure you relied on the fact that your good boy will bring a good Jain girl to your home. You want a fake constructed life. As long everything shines and looks good (especially for the society) all is fine. It doesn't matter what an individual feels. You don't know how much your son will suffer for the rest of his life. Or me (I am also someone's child and my parents know this story. They are heart broken seeing me crying for my loss so much). I wonder what your future daughter in law would do if she knew, that she is just the second choice. She was just chosen because he was too weak to even tell you the truth. If he were allowed, he would pick me a thousand times over her. Because he knows, no one matches better with him. No girl would want to marry him, knowing this fact. So he is bound to fake things also for her. 

You would never approve the advantages of our relationship. Don't even think of your grandchildren having good future options as there are relations to Europe and the benefits of growing up learning a European language. Never think these options in a global world. And I simply don't want to mention the million other advantages now. There are hundreds of Internet forums with bloggers telling us their successful story between them as Westerners with their Indian partner. These forums make me sad. Because it shows they are necessary to exist, to encourage us others to follow our dreams. It is nothing normal, usual, that there are Westerners married to Indians, it is the exception.  My pain is the norm. It is so sad. And worst part is, you don't even know this all. You named your daughter after the Urdu word WISH. You love your children, if even the daughter is a wish. But please, love truly. Completely, unconditionally. Allow happiness. I want to shout it out loud, not just to you, also to other Indian parents whose children face what your son does: LOVE IS ALL THAT MATTERS IN THE END. EVERYONE DESERVES A CHANCE. LIFE IS SIMPLER THAN YOU THINK. STOP JUDGING. STOP CREATING FEAR. CREATE TRUST. CREATE OPENNESS. LOVE TRULY - ALSO THE ASPECTS YOU NEVER WANTED TO SEE. LOOK CLOSELY BEHIND A FAKED SMILE. FILL EMPTINESS IN THEIR EYES AND LIVES WITH UNDERSTANDING AND LOVE."

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Dear readers, what are your thoughts? 
Do you think strict Indian parents create an atmosphere of fear and exclusivity?
What advice do you have for someone who is dealing with a serious gut-wrenching heartbreak and loss of their soulmate?


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33 comments

  1. I posted a comment before signing in. not sure it got lost?

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  2. what I was saying in that "lost comment" is that, Indian kids are not truly independent of parents and till that happens they may not be able to make decisions independently. Also if the parent has legacy business//tie-ups which they want to pass on to son, then, no amount of rational logic will work on the parents.

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  3. I feel sorry for those two souls. I have no words to comment but I can not tolerate an almost 30 years old man who fears his parents, what kind of person and parent he would be if he at this age can not make decisions and is not capable to fight for his love, for his life and for his future. He does not deserve a love like that...sorry that is my personal opinion.

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  4. Honestly, I can feel the pain, but in the end it's probably for the best.... Plus there's really no point getting angry and losing your breath over something as immutable, righteous and alien as the traditional middle class indian mindset. Better be disappointed and grieving now than a couple of years down the line when you can no longer stand India in all its glorious apathy and your husband is incapable of moving...

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  5. Well, he is 28/29 and ICAI final failed means he is in very miserable condition according to Indian standards. But still I know JAINS they are very nice people. If your BF tell them about you, off course first they will throw tantrums but will agree eventually.
    Main problem is miserable condition of your BF. If he passes ICAI than he can marry a boy let alone a German kind girl.

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  6. I feel really sad for you and applaud your undying love for this person.Although I would've expected a man in his late twenties to take a stand for himself if he truly knows what a gem he would be missing if he lost you.

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  7. You dodged a bullet here, lovely lady. This guy is a boy, not ready to be an adult yet. My ILs are very similar to your "almost ILs", but my fiance had a spine and was not attached to mommy's umbilical cord. You are misdirecting your anger and disappointment. You deserve someone better.

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    1. Was your fiance in the same situation? Does he live in India itself? Is he the only son? Did he have a DEGREE yet when he told his parents about you? There are many things to be considered, before saying, someone has no SPINE. Maybe, he in his position, really thinks, he did all he could. I'm not saying it's right what he does. He really should stand up for himself. But most Indians who are married/are going to marry a foreigner don't have the problem of having a degree. Things would look completely different elsewise.
      Also, if the guys already live in a foreign country, the Indian parents are already knowing that their son might marry a foreigner

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    2. How does having a degree play into this man being able to marry a foreigner? I don't understand.

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    3. Most middle class Indians need a degree before they feel they can talk to their parents about their partner whom they want to marry

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    4. The Letter Writer says:

      "But he didn't just make it simple for us. I had to sign a mail filled with conditions. That he would never leave India was one of them. The most important one was, that he needs a social standing (good degree and a good job) first, before he tells you about us. And if YOU deny, he would obey. "

      He's not just spineless, but selfish and stupendously entitled.

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  8. Reading this letter, I am so sorry for your grief. You are correct in saying that Indian culture does promote obedience to parents above all, and frowns upon mixed marriages of every kind.

    Despite that, I don't think this guys' parents are the ones to blame. All of us in mixed marriages know that despite the prevailing culture, there are plenty of Indian individuals who are brave enough to risk their parent's anger to go after what they want in life, even if it is different than what their parents want. This guy didn't feel like he could do that, and that is so very sad for you and for him -- but it was ultimately his choice. So I would blame him for that.

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  9. I agree that this this woman dodged a bullet. I think more often than not, Indian parents create an environment of fear in their children about disobeying, especially when it comes to choosing a life partner. The bottom line is the Indian parents do not want to stick out with their Indian families or family friends. All they care about is what everyone thinks about them and could really care less about their children's happiness (that's just my observation though).

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    1. Agreed. I've known Indians my whole life and I am South Asian myself (though not Indian) and this is just how they are. To be fair, it's not just Indians - a lot of Asian societies, having patriarchal and communal societies (that value social opinion versus individualistic societies like the west), are like that. Authority figures are typically given too much power (i.e. teachers, parents, judges, etc) and thus there is corruption in every level of society, in the outer and inner sphere.

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  10. Part of the problem is your ex as well. He didn't even try to tell his parents about you. I agree with Anon 11:27am - you dodged a bullet. Imagine what you life would have been like married to a man who is still being breastfed? You deserve someone who will love you unconditionally.

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  11. I am sorry to hear the pain the author is going through. But I do not understand why she is blaming these parents of his who know nothing about this relationship or her. Dear lady, you and his parents are from different parts of the globe. Their ideas stem from their culture and history, just as how they cannot expect you to become an Indian over night you cannot expect them to become modern and accepting overnight. Did their son ever try once to talk to them?

    I feel you made a bad choice of a partner, a guy who would not stand up for himself or for you. I am an Indian girl and my partner is Indian, his parents even see astrology very seriously. But, he before getting into this relationship with me, went and informed his parents that he is in love with me and he does not wish to see astrology etc and he seeks his acceptance. They agreed after seeing how serious he is.

    You cannot blame his parents for him being a coward. These are his choices. His parents did not raise him to become a coward - no parents want it. He is a coward because that is what he is. And he chose to keep you a secret rather than proudly introducing you to his parents. He should never have gotten into a relationship with you when he could not gather up the courage to honor you and this relationship you shared with him. I do not think he is your soulmate. A soul mate does not give up, yours did. Just because he speaks well and makes your heart melt, he cannot become your soulmate.

    He loves his life and comfort more than he loves you. Stop blaming his parents who are living in their own shell. They will be as ashamed of him cheating you as you are ashamed of him. Life is changing in India, the kids need to be sure of what they want. Whoever follows the established rules here, end up destroying another person's life.

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  12. I am sorry for you dear girl, I wrote the above comment as well.
    I know you are in terrible and deep pain now. But you would have felt more miserable with this guy who would not stand up for you. I am sorry you had to waste money for this guy.

    You should try attending counseling to start feeling better and move on from this person. His parents never got a chance to like/hate you. They don't even know you exist. Who knows? They may have even accepted you after a while of anger.

    It is so clear that the guy never stood up fr you. Love is not just chatting and being in a relationship. All this is easy for any guy. A guy who loves you will do everything possible to get you and will never give up on you. He is not confident about his own life.

    If at all he marries someone, it is because it is the easier way out for him.

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  13. Seriously I lived in India for 3 years and most Indian guys I knew were in secret relationships for years. I didn't necesssarily think of them as cowards. Some parents threatened suicide! Obviously after 10 years the girl gave up. It was so strange for me as a foreigner. I sometimes felt like Indian parents were creating a mess by forbidding things and ensuring that their kids knew positively zero about dating... No common sense at all! Like girls and boys would get together and go through thick and thin just because it was forbidden, without giving any thought to building anything beyond dreaming of what dog they would have together. It made me so sad at times. And saying nothing personal under threat of excommunication from the family! Everything conveniently swept under the rug. A highly repressed society.

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  14. This is heart breaking to say the least. I feel genuinely sad for you. But let me try to put this in a nice way. Had the guy you were seeing considered you to be as important to him as he is to you, you wouldn't have been in this place.

    I speak from experience, there are plenty of Indian guys who don't allow their parents to dictate to them. I am married to one such guy.

    If this guy expects you to sign conditional letters that state that he will never go against his parents when it comes to marriage even after he is financially independent, then clearly his parents wishes matter to him more than your combined feelings. That is a recipe for disaster. I am glad you don't have to go through it.

    I hope and pray you overcome this grief soon.

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  15. Your letter spoke to me. It was like reading about my own life. I saw parallels between your boyfriend's life and my own. And, I wanted to share my experiences to provide another perspective. There may be a few things that you may find irrational but they were part of my upbringing and ingrained from very early age.

    I am Indian and my wife is non-Indian who is 3 years older than me. We are now in our 50's.

    Quick family background, my parents didn't have much education. My dad's mom died during the birth of his youngest brother. At very early age as oldest he became responsible for raising his siblings. I am oldest of three siblings as well as among all my cousins. Basically, I was expected to be a model sibling as I was setting the precedent for whole generation and everyone looked up to me.

    Growing up, I learnt two thing from my parents. First, education is the most likely path way for me to improve my own as well as life of the people I care about. Second, always being responsible and putting interests of people I care about before my own. These two things shaped by thinking, my life and became my guiding principles.

    With luck, I landed up in US as student. I mostly friended and dated non-Indian women as Indian women weren't interested in hanging out with me. Frankly, I was pretty clueless and kind of a kludge and family background didn't really help either with Indian women. Most of them were thinking long-term; stability and family status were important to them.

    Anyway, whenever time came to make decision on taking a relationship to next-level, I always had this little voice in my head "I can barely take care of myself, I am not ready yet to become responsible for another human being." So most relationships never went anywhere. This thought didn't only come with women I was dating. I had the same reaction when my parents brought up the issue of arranged marriage and finding me a wife. My response was "I can barely take care of myself, I can't even support you both yet, how the hell I am going to take care and support a wife." This continued until into my mid-30's by then I had a decent job, my younger sisters were married and settled, and I was able to support my parents financially. Then only, I was able to think about taking responsibility for another person, getting married, and settling down.

    However irrational it may be, even now still I worry about failing on my responsibilities to my wife and family.

    If I had to guess, I will say your boyfriend is going through similar phase. You most probably came into his life tad too early when he doesn't feel that his other responsibilities have been met yet and he is not yet ready to take on new responsibilities.

    Your options are pretty limited. If you want him to move to next step in your relationship right now, it most probably is not going to happen. You are better off moving on.

    Even if you decide to wait until he has fulfilled other responsibilities, there is no guarantee that it will be you and not some Indian woman as wife. I can imagine the scenario where he may feel that he could not meet his responsibility, expectations and take care for a non-Indian wife to his and her expectations living in India. I know I would have if I was in India. My wife is not Indian, she is also not American. We both are immigrants in US. I still feel that she will be more happier if we moved back to her country (another irrational thought of mine). In the end, what makes me happy is to see her happy.

    My suggestion is to think of your boyfriend coming into your life as an happy event and an experience in your life history. Your learnt something about yourself, you experienced something new but life goes on.

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  16. This is such an incredibly sad and heartbreaking letter. To the woman who wrote it- you have remarkable strength.

    Raina.

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  17. Dear Author,
    My heart goes out to you. Sorry, but I agree with others that you did dodge a bullet here. I am sure you would have given 200% into the marriage had you married him. But you know over the years lot of stuff happens in an Indian family (I am an Indian BTW). If he cannot stand up for you now even at such an initial stage then he will never be able to defend you later on if there is a situation. And believe me it will SUCK! Basically I think he is a good guy but spineless. Would have totally worked had he not been staying in India. Anyway hope you can come out of this soon. God Bless!!

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  18. Dear writer, I just want to express my sympathy. I have been in a similar situation and am still very sore about it. It is hard. Your head knows it might be for the better, but stepping away if you feel the feelings are real from both sides and that those feelings have not disappeared. We Europeans can understand a situation where one of the two people involved doesn't love the other... But what if there is so much live. Why not fight for it. As said. I know that feeling and my door is always open for the love of my life. We never know what the future brings. But yeah, our guys should step up for us... Sadly enough they haven't... :(. Be good and lots of strength for you!

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  19. Dear commentators...
    it's me - the author speaking. Thank you all for your opinions and your absolute honesty. They help me more than you can imagine. Thanks for taking the time to listen to me and giving a thought and opinion on it.

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    1. Take care dear
      You did all that a person in love does. You know you just got saved from destroying your self confidence.
      I am an indian and i can tell you that no matter how much you would have adjusted , it would have been never enough for the guy or his family.

      Delete
  20. Dear madh mama,
    My comment got published when I hit the preview button and was trying to edit. My email is srarthy@gmail.com. You can sent me the comment if hat is ok and I can edit it and republish. If not feel free to edit it and publish it yourself. I love ur blog and enjoy reading it in my free time. I myself is an Indian settled in U.S. And never got along with my indian mil. Your 'psychology of I dial MIL' made me see things from a different perspective. Congratulations for ur artworks.

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  21. This is really sad and heartbreak hurts a lot but in this case I feel even if the parents are the way they are, I feel the guy has to shoulder most of the responsibility for this situation.

    Also, LW, do you think you would have been really happy changing completely like that and being someone else for the rest of your life? Changing oneself to please others does not really win your their love or respect, actually people treat you like a doormat if you do that. Initially it might seem easy in love, but would you think that amount of change is sustainable long term?

    "I had to sign a mail filled with conditions. That he would never leave India was one of them." - This is ridiculous and I have never heard of something like this!! Even when people marry, they don't come up with a list of conditions to be fulfilled in the marriage like 'you will wash the dishes every night' or things like that. What will he do if you refuse to follow the T&C? Sue you? This one fact tells me he did not really consider you his soul mate or really love you.

    So forget the parents, the guy himself did not love you. People do so much for love and here is a guy who makes you sign T&C before you meet him.

    Another red flag is "I convinced him that we have to give this love a try" - He was not into you. Nobody should have to convince someone to love them. Clearly he was reluctant but you went ahead.

    Looks like you considered him your soul mate but he did not.

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    1. been in this situation before my dear. don't expect indian to bend on his knees, they will always follow their mummies and social norms of the country. they are afraid of being excluded.
      hi would follow him anywhere in the world, i would respect his parents, i would live with him anywhere in the world, but he never did anything to be with me in the end, he just left me. mt advice is, don't follow him, let him realize what he is loosing, he will never leave his parents. he has to find a way to please his parents without hurting them, and stay with u at the same time. which mine not did. he should be talking to his parents like ur writing here, but he isn't. they only way would be him taking there and presenting you, maybe they will chance their minds, but ups, indian man are afraid of that, sorry to say that

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  22. To be honest, you sound like the type of woman, who gets into a relationship thinking she can change the man.
    He told you up front from the start that it wouldn't be a happy ending and was reluctant to even meet you at first. So it all sounds like you were much more invested then him and he merely played more or less along.
    I know you seem a bit sensitive about your age but truth is, you wasted 5 years of life and I hate to see you waste another 5 in a similar type of relationship.
    So you should examine your past relationships and look if you have a habit of seeking relationship with uncommitted men while investing far to much in it?
    I wish you the best, may your wounded heart heal and may you learn from your mistakes.

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  23. I hope she never sends such kind of letter to those people, because the way it is written once again speaks for why the parents should deny her. And this is not the parents fault she is not married to the guy actually. People who are in relationship are responsible for their own lives. And if they guy started dating someone without any intention to marry that's his issue only, as well as short sightedness of a lady who agreed to be in such kind of relationship.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes, it's the kind of rant one should write but not publish or send, in my opinion.

      Delete
  24. First I just wanted to thank the letter-writer for writing in with this as from our personal discussions I know you have been suffering with this for a long while, and I hope that by publishing it, you have got some relief and different objective perspectives.

    First I think you must really take some time to deal with the huge amount of heartbreak. Really, the letter is so overwhelmingly heartbreaking that I think you just need to take some time - just for you - to heal. Oftentimes love/heartbreak can overpower us and send us into despair, and I think it is a perfect time to just take a moment to regroup, recharge your batteries, and also take your personal power back.

    When I first read the letter, I also noted a lot of parallels between the parents' pressures on him (good degree, good grades, good social standing) to the demands that he is putting on you. Maybe remind him that he is putting similar demands on you as his parents are putting to him - that is not love. It could be that is the only way he thinks there is to love - to put these conditions on someone - which is basically setting you up to fail. In love, one must be flexible, and able to compromise. People change, circumstances change, and rules do not apply.

    A lot of things stand out regarding him not being capable to be in a mature relationship - for example, him just not being able to be there for you emotionally, him putting his parents first saying he will "obey" them, you doing all the work to get the relationship back, you visiting India thrice, him only telling his parents after his career gets together. Reading this I just don't think he is in the position to act like a grown man and be in a committed long-term relationship. He needs to get his life together, and I think you need to just LET him do that.

    The parents are not even a factor yet, and it is unknown if whether they would even oppose. Impossible to predict, really. The only certain thing is that you need a stronger partner - and that is something that he needs to do himself. I know you wish to give your strength to him, but all that is his own battle to fight - not yours.

    You can tell him that you will always love and support him, but I think you really need to focus on yourself and go your own way. I just don't think he is ready. In the future, if you do decide to start a relationship with him, don't sign any conditions. I do not think he is mature enough to be in a relationship. Just wish him well.
    Big hugs.......xoxoxo

    ReplyDelete

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