Friday, July 31, 2015

When Your Indian Boyfriend Leaves You for an Arranged Marriage

(Img via Buzac Marius)

In recent years, my blog has become more of a forum for masala couples to share their stories, and at times seek advice on masala-related dilemmas and conundrums - many which I air on my weekly Friday help series Ask Firangi Bahu. One of those dilemmas happen to be that many Western women are dumped by their Indian boyfriends who have consented to an arranged marriage, instead of sheepishly admitting to their parents that they have been in an intercultural relationship (oftentimes years-long and serious).

Being dumped by your Indian boyfriend for an arranged marriage is something that most non-Indians have no clue about - your Western friends may feel shocked, baffled and disgusted. But in India, it is all too common. And when your partner is Indian, there is always that fear - because the fact is that generally no Indian parent is going to want their child to marry even outside their region, much less someone from another country - at least initially.

As a married woman, I'm oblivious about when the auspicious Indian wedding season is. But I am always notified of it since during this time, I happen to get a huge volume of emails from Western women who have been dumped by their Indian boyfriends, who have opted to submit to their parents' pressures and agree to an arranged marriage. Usually the Indian partners leave their Western girlfriends abruptly, returning back to India "all of a sudden", claiming that they have been "forced" into a match by their cruel, unfair parents. In reality, many of these men are in fact consenting to the match and are just more concerned about pleasing their family. When a person gives their consent to a marriage, they become a participant in it.

Anyone who knows anything about arranged marriage knows the LONG process of it - these things don't just happen overnight. You can't just find some random girl and get arranged on the spot. Many of these matches are YEARS in the making. Some are even matched when the children are toddlers! First the parents will prod around, suggesting to their child that they should get married soon (this usually starts the second the guy starts working & earning). Then the parents will network and find out if there are any "suitable" girls around from social circles that they know and trust. Sometimes, they will set up an online profile for their child. Then, they will start contacting the "suitable" matches, and check if their astrology is compatible. Then they will meet the "suitable" matches parents'. Then finally, they will have a "bride viewing" and see if the kids like each other. Sometimes they will even go to the lengths of hiring a private detective. Then, there will be a lot more discussions about married life and expectations. Then, finally, a priest will be involved and set both an auspicious engagement date and a wedding date. The process of finding a bride is YEARS in the making, and oftentimes, several matches are considered before picking the "top" one. So, if your Indian partner is acting as if this has "suddenly" happened out of the blue, THEY ARE LYING.

For the Indian partners - the second your parents start prodding around and suggest that you should get married soon - is when you should outrightly nip it in the bud. Don't waste your parents' time. Don't make them look like an idiot while they look for brides for you. Tell them that you have a nice Firangi friend, and that you already have someone in mind for a life partner. End of story. Bullshit avoided.

All the letters I get are basically the same - no situation is unique - which makes me think that this is some kind of silent epidemic. The Indian boyfriend goes for "a vacation" to India. His parents are "forcing" him to get married. He cries to his Western girlfriend, before and after his wedding, saying that she is his one true love. Oftentimes, these MARRIED men come back from India - without their new Indian bride - and attempt to continue the relationship with the Western girlfriend. As a married man!!! Essentially cheating both the Western woman and their new Indian bride. The Western woman will sometimes feel sorry for them and agree to continue the relationship, provided that the Indian partner gets a divorce (rarely happens). It is dysfunctional and dramatic, to say the least, all thanks to the Indian partner who just didn't have the spine to tell his parents that he wanted to marry someone different. 

The Western women fail to realize that in their boyfriend (now EX-boyfriend, since he is fully committed to somebody else!!!) is NOT A VICTIM in fact, but rather a participant to this circus. Whether they are an active or passive participant depends on them. But when a person who is in love with a woman for years and starts to build a life with her - and knowingly gets married to someone else - that is WRONG on all levels. There are hundreds of opportunities to stop the circus - up until those 7 times around the sacred fire. It is a big mess of one's own making - and the only person who can be blamed is the Indian partner, who is being dishonest not only to his own true feelings, but his Western girlfriend, his new Indian bride, the bride's family, and his own parents.

It comes down to the fact that the Indian partner is certainly willing to pursue the relationship privately, but is unwilling to stand up to his parents and the world about his choice in love. That he would rather get conveniently arranged to somebody else rather than standing up for what he believes in. And trust me, that is someone you do not want to be married to, 'til death do you part. No matter what sweet romances he whispers in your ear. More than whatever men say, you have to take into account their actions.

If your Indian partner doesn't learn to stand up for you before marriage, then why would you even WANT to marry him? Really consider life after you get to the altar - because that's when the story really begins - you are not just marrying the man, but you are marrying his family too. You may have to live with them at some point. Do you really want a partner that won't stand up for you and fight for your love? Plus, it's an intercultural relationship, so you will face opposition from random strangers on the street. Will he stand up for you then?


For the Western women who have been dumped, I always tell them that:

1. Your ex-boyfriend is an adult who is making a choice.
2. It's not you, it's him, and it is his problem - a mess of his OWN making.
3. Give yourself time to get over the heartbreak and grieve the loss of the relationship.
4. Do not get involved with him (or any man) who is committed to somebody else, no matter how much they say they love you - EVER!!!
5. Be grateful that you are not that arranged new bride and you are able to leave the relationship and start over fresh.
6. Not all Indian men will be like this; don't completely write off ALL Indian men for one bad apple! There are many amazing Indian men out there who will not only fight for your love, but will make great fathers and life partners too. Don't settle for anything less!!!


The most courageous of these letters I get are the Indian partners who are standing up to their parents' and facing verbal, emotional or physical violence. When they are facing a threat of physical violence and/or being disowned from their parents forever and choosing to push through and fight for their love/lifestyle, it makes the men who are claiming their parents are "forcing them" (when in fact they don't have the balls to tell them in the first place) look completely wimpy and spineless. To each his own, but I have heard from people who are much, much worse off...Not to mention, disrespectful to the REAL victims of Indian forced marriages, who are typically young girls under the age of 18.


P.S. If you think are facing verbal, physical or emotional violence, forced or early marriage, please reach out to others for help and do not stay silent. Organizations like The Love Commandos, Against Forced Marriage (UK), Forced Marriage Project can help.

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Dear readers, do you know of friends who have been dumped by an arranged marriage?
If so, what advice do you give them?
Why do people consent to life partnerships when they wish they could marry someone else?
Do you think this is a silent epidemic?


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157 comments

  1. I'm not much given to cursing. But can I just use the phrase "spineless assholes" over here? I think it's apt.

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    1. This is exactly what happened to me and I plan to commit suicide. V and I were together 7 years and we lived together. When his parents visited from India he made me move out. They ate the palak paneer I made but I was not allowed tk meet them. I saw them at the grocery store and he looked at me like I was poo so I turned around and left. He then said he was going to India for two weeks to help his parents "paint". I asked him if he was getting arranged. He lied and said no. He came back engaged. He post poned it for 5 months and we lived together. When hecwas jn India he called me allot and said he loved me. It was months before I saw him again. He wanted to visit but I refused. I shaved my head and barely got out of bed for 4 months. Then his gold digging whore had to go back to India for her visa. She was gone 5 months. He lived with me. Now she is back and I have not seen him for a month. I have given away all my things and am going to kill myself with charcoal. I love him more than life. He lied to me while she was away and said he made a mistake snd would divorce her for me. When she returned he texted me that he did not mean it and woukd not leave her. I am scared to kill myself, it is actually extremely hard...but I want to forget this life...now.

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    2. I'm so sorry you feel your life isn't worth finding something new, worth living for, worth BEing again.

      Remember who you were before all this drama. 7 years is a long time, but it isn't a life time. Please talk to someone you love and reconnect with someone from before... Your family loves you, even if you're somewhat estranged. If you don't feel comfortable, it is because you care... You are second guessing for a reason, you have a reason to live. Really! Get help at a hospital if necessary... Take care of you, get help please!!

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    3. @Anonymous - Please do not do this, do not end your life over your ex. I cannot even fathom your pain and hurt over what he has done to you, but it's not worth ending your life over. Leave the past behind and commit to healing yourself. Every moment is a chance to turn it all around, every day is a fresh start. You have the potential to have a nice life, find love again, and you can speak out about this and help others. Please rise above the hurt and pain. The only way to get through hard times is to just keep going and keep surviving, until you heal. Some wounds hurt so badly but I promise you they will heal with time.
      Please do not give up. Please get help. Call this number 24/7 - 1-800-273-8255.

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    4. Anonymous, do not take such a definitive step because of your ex. He doesn't deserve your love, he is a spineless jerk. And he certainly isn't worth dying for either.
      Break ups are always hard, even harder when you have been cheated the way you have, but please, learn to love yourself first. Love yourself with all your heart, give yourself some credit. You are an awesome person who can do wonderful things. Look at you, you learned to cook Indian food, you tried to learn as much as you can about someone else's culture. I am absolutely convinced you have achieved a great many things in your life.

      A life that is just starting how fair would it be to just remove you pure awesomeness from this world? Removing this awesomeness that you are over a jerk that could not even stand by your side. You are way above his league darling!

      I know you are hurt, feel betrayed, and wonder how you can even go on, these are normal feelings after a breakup. And it is more than OK to ask for help. So, before you use that charcoal, consider all your other options, call your local suicide helpline, find your local social assistant office, or women help shelter, they will listen to you, take care of you and help you through this storm, they won't judge you.

      Please take care of yourself.

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  2. Hmm....
    Well guess what fellow firangi bahus, I have an Indian nephew whom is getting married to his Indian fiancee in India while his Australian girlfriend just gave birth to his daughter in Australia.
    Neither the Indian fiancee nor the Australian girlfriend know about each other.
    Awkward much?
    And yes, my nephew is a complete & total spineless slime bucket.

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    1. How do you know about it? why don't you introduce his indian fiance and aussie gf to each other?

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    2. How am I going to introduce the Indian fiancee to the Australian girlfriend if the fiancee is in India and the girlfriend is in Australia? (You do realize India & Australia are quite a ways apart?)
      How do I know about it?
      The Australian girlfriend recently came to visit my nephew with his new daughter at his place of business in Delhi. The Indian fiancee lives in Srinagar and has never been to Delhi.
      My nephew was banned from our household years ago for telling lies & spreading malicious gossip about my husband & I. Karma might just kick him in the ass very soon.

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    3. Omg , keeping the grudge aside . You can save both the girls life. I know it is difficult to tell the family lest they put the blame on you instead of their spineless son.

      But i feel even the Australian gf should leave him. He doesn't deserve any of them

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    4. The plot thickens.....
      I haven't met the Australian gf, but I have met the Indian fiancee in Srinagar.
      The Indian fiancee is a very sweet, simple, young girl. I pity her. She & her family think my nephew is quite a 'catch' because he is a higher caste than they are & owns a business (which he inherited). I do not think she has any clue how AWFUL my nephew is.
      When my husband & I were first married my nephew announced to all & sundry who would listen that I should have married him instead. Seriously. His announcements attacking my husband, me, & our marriage continued for 2 yrs after this.
      Recently, my nephew has announced the first thing he will do on his wedding night is slap his new wife so she know's who's in charge. What a charmer, eh?

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    5. Omg I would relay all this to fiancée especially the he's already a father in Australia business... Nothing can be done about that situation but this girl can still break the engagement.

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    6. So last night karma took it's toll.
      Someone told Australian gf that my nephew is engaged to be married to an
      Indian woman. (IT WAS NOT ME.)
      I did not get to see or hear it but Australian gf (with infant daughter in tow) was on the street in front of my nephew's business in Delhi SCREAMING IN RAGE.
      We all learned that Australian gf is really MARRIED to my nephew, so she is Australian wife.
      Some other rather sordid details came out also- my nephew is also married to a 68 yr old German woman and a 56 yr old British woman.
      My nephew's engagement to the Indian woman is now KHATTAM (through, finished) as news of his 3 wives quickly travelled via the Indian gossip route from Delhi to Srinagar.
      I have no idea if Australian wife knows of German wife & British wife.
      I have no idea if German wife or British wife know of Australian wife & daughter.
      I have no idea if Australian wife plans to remain married to my nephew.
      My SIL is taking the blame for 'spilling the beans' to Australian wife & my nephew's immediate family are now venting their rage on her. (Interesting that my nephew & his immediate are not exactly admitting to any wrongdoing but instead blame & attack another family member for tattling.- This is typically Desi family behavior.)
      I'm telling you, these Desi dramas are really something. -You couldn't even make stuff up like this.


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    7. Um I am for the nephew taking the blame. He is definitely a spineless slimy toad who needs to learn a lesson.

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    8. Amanda-
      I think it's obvious that my nephew married these women to get citizenship in a western country & or get money from them.
      I really don't understand how these 3 women fell for him - he is the biggest & worst liar.
      Two weeks ago he was telling everyone he owned the charter helicopter parked at the local airport. He'll point at some new luxury car on the street & tell everyone he just bought it (he's never owned a car nor can he drive one). It's always some huge obviously BS lie with him.
      Never underestimate a woman in love, I suppose?


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    9. this is what we call an indian playa. they are out there

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    10. Definitely not! We can be blinded but those doing the blinding should be held accountable too!

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    11. @bibi -OMGOMGOMGOMG!!!!!!!!!! Serious drama! Total soap opera......hope he gets all that bad karma! Feel bad for the Aussie lady with his child :(

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    12. @bibi I have a good one for you. I had been dating my completely non-traditional northern Indian boyfriend for a few years and had his son. I noticed him guarding his phone pretty heavily towards the end of our relationship and feared he was cheating so we started fighting and I mean bad. I didn't know it at the time but my WONDERFUL ex was already engaged. He then left for six weeks under the guise of handling business and got married. His best friend told me. The worst part is he's still hiding our son. I hope he is being truthful that he's going to wait a few months to help her adjust to our culture then break it to her. It's so bad. I feel for her. Just as I wasn't given a choice or told the truth, neither is she and she's leaving everything she knows. One thing is for sure... I'm the lucky one. I can find a real man now.

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  3. How would they feel if their new wife had a secret boyfriend they were carrying on with secretly ?

    I was raised in a culture that values marriage - meaning that couples marry with the intent of staying together for life even if it doesn't always happen, and that affairs are totally not okay. How is it 'good values' to marry someone your parents pick if you're still seeing someone else secretly?

    Beware of Devdas. He'll go marry the girl his parents pick and then come crying to you "But I don't love her, you're the one I love!" Throw him out on the doorstep and leave him to his bottle. Guys like this want to please everyone without realizing how impossible it is. Can't go against your parents in any way? Great. You are a devoted son. Now end the relationship they'll never approve of BEFORE marrying the girl they pick for you, or else you're not acting like a devoted son.

    And anyway do you really want to build a family and raise children with someone who believes 'gori to bed, desi to wed' ?? That some types of women are for sex and other types are for marriage? As a feminist, I wouldn't fight for a guy who believed or justified that in the slightest, nor would I want him to go against his parents and fight for me. I'd just feel sorry for the girl ends up with him.

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  4. What a sad state of affairs. Are there any instances in which Indian women have dumped their western boyfriends to marry an Indian man? I am genuinely curious about this. I know of many Indian women who dumped their Indian boyfriends to get married to a man chosen by mom and dad.

    Raina.

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    1. Yes. I know about an indian girl who dated an european guy (dutch)for 3 years. In the end, she told him that her parents didn't accept him and she went to India to marry. And to conplete... She went back to the Netherlands with her new indian husband. She told her friends that the dutch guy was never seen with amother girl again... I think it she was really proud of what she did. And I think this world would be better without people like this. Many indian men do it as well... when far from their countries, they want to date other girls while the wedding with an indian girl is not yet arranged. Date in Indian society has a different meaning than in Western society... date for indian people is a relationship that happens before marriage (with no intention of marrying) because they know that in the end their parents will choose the final partner (bases on the caste system, status, money, etc.). In our western society we date with the thinking that it will end up in marriage. So be careful with indians telling the most lovely things in the world for you. Lies are part of very traditional cultures where everybody is acting to please the society and where they are not accepted as an individual. Dont date indian people abroad and avoid pain to your life. Be careful with the ones you meet online also, many are guys who travel on business and live their family in India and are willing to have sex with girls from abroad. Be aware girls!

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  5. Wow. This story could have been written about me.................how uncanny. If I knew this was a phenomena then I would have told more people.
    My secret is this............I was involved with a Muslim Indian man for 4 years and we were so in love. We planned our life together, talked about children, and the whole deal. We met in university. We lived together. We paid bills together. I thought he would ask to marry me soon. Then he leaves for India and doesn't come back. Apparently he had got married, which I did not find out until I landed there and looked for him. I thought something bad happened to him, I was scared. He just couldn't be bothered to phone me and tell me as I was worrying about him and scraping pennies together for the air fare and leaving my job and family and everything. Instead he was fucking his new virgin Muslim wife. By the time I found him, she was already pregnant. He said he would get a divorce so I believed him. I waited in India for a whole year. I got a job. We continued our relationship. It was all a lie. They are still married with three children now. I never got over him. I never got over the betrayal.
    But I believe in karma...........
    Last week, for the first time in 12 years since I left him in India, he emailed me. He told me that he found out that the same pure virgin Muslim wife was having an affair with her Hindu boyfriend, who she never broke up with even though she married MY then boyfriend. She was pressured in to marrying him by her parents. She has been cheating on him since day 1 and now he wants to get a paternity test on his children because one of them doesn't look like him.
    Having someone cheat on you is the worst thing in the world. I'm glad that he experienced what he did to me. I don't feel sorry for him. Like I said, KARMA............you reap what you sow.....

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    1. Now he wants a paternity test? Now he thinks cheating is bad? No, that is his wife, those are his kids, and he made his bed and can lie in it. He better not judge her one second since he had no intention of not cheating on her. They have both chosen a life of deceit and now they have to live with the consequences.

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    2. Omg this is even worst than my story!!
      In my case he broke up all of a sudden and went back, to never return again. He might be engaged by now. Breakup and post breakup was very painful. It's like a movie, indian man wont let u go but are not willing to stay with u and fight for u ever. They go on and on in the same movie, dragging u down. He doesnt matter what he says, what matters is what he does!!!!
      I believe that karma is a bitch, what goes around comes back around

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    3. I forgot to ask.How will they love their children in a marriage based in deceit? Will they have arranged marriages as well?

      I am one of the woman that send emails to alexandra when this breakup happened to me.
      The worst is that all the situatin is so painful that u need many time to get over it.
      Its been more than a year, in my case!!
      Not that i dont wanna be with him, its just we loved each other so much thar its so hard to trust someone the same way.

      If he ever contact u backl dont reply, indian man are smarter that u think and they like to take control of th situation. They talk when they want, they act they way they want, ur just a dool he can play with. Dont ever allow that, simply dont reply anymore, unless u hava be cheated over again

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    4. Not letting go part is so true! At one point I was no longer with my bf and he wanted to "pick out" my new boyfriend! Only Indian men are this crazy! Sometimes you love and hate them for this.

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    5. Yeah mine broke up and wanted to be with me at the same time!!! Then he left, idont know whatnhe is up to now, i really loved him

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    6. @katharine - Wow. I just got chills...... #karma!!!

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  6. Apart from all that so many Indian men seem to think that this is just a common occurrence for white women... They are always changing their partners, they get divorced at the drop of a hat... There is no recognition that this has a devastating and crippling effect on us... I had a boyfriend who did this but he didn't leave me for an arranged marriage. He married someone he thought was more palatable to immigration so he could get his residency.. He professed to love me and that he was forced to marry this friend of the family. He told me she was Indian. He had been seeing her at the same time as me and so he cheated on her and cheated on me at the same time. She was white but younger than me. He kept contacting me even though he was married. I found all this out on social media. I contacted her to tell her what hed done but she obviously believes what he's told her and I'm just a jealous ex gf when in fact as far as I knew I was a serious love and we'd planned on being married. Seems like she was the better choice so he could stay in the country. I am now happily married but this episode in my life still affects me and I haven't been able to stop thinking about what he did. If you are an Indian man with a white gf step up and be man... If he'd told me in the beginning he wasn't planning a life with me I would have moved on and not fallen so deeply... I really do hope Karma catches up with him.

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    1. I think that stereotype about Western women is true - that just because many Western women date (typically more openly than their Indian counterparts), it doesn't mean we don't take things seriously, or don't feel deeply.

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  7. I think the couples whether they are mixed or not should be always prepaired for such consequences. Indian men are like any other men, if they don't want to get married with you, they will never do this. For most of the guys women are trophies. Today they have sex with Aussie, the next day with Chinese, another day with Indian. Usually women are too blinded and jump into a relationship with any guy who shows even a little interest in them and that's where the problem is.

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    1. Very true. I think instead of calling the men spineless, I would say the women must do their background check and thoroughly understand the dynamics before falling head over heels in love.
      We women do so much research while shopping, we try on the clothes, look for deals and this is the case in every aspect of life except when it comes to dating. Why should we women be so low on self confidence and self esteem that a few charming words are enough to fall in love. Instead of blaming men or Indian men, I think women should just begin to use their brain. After my own personal experience, I have stopped blaming the men because for all the feminist things women talk, we do not use our brain. In my case, it was my fault to be so naive and become dependent on him despite being financially independent and educated and earning more than him. So obviously since I had laid out myself like a carpet, he walked on it. So all women out there, stop blaming some random man, take life into your hands and ultimately you should never be in a situation where you have to cry and convince someone to be in a relationship with you. If you have to convince then there is no love clearly.

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    2. @aobeamber - so true. That is why women should be very picky who they give their heart to, and really listen to their intuition and not doubt themselves so much

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  8. I have been dating my bf on and off for five years. We met in grad school and now he is back for his PHD. His parents knew when we first started dating. He went back to India because he couldn't find a job. His dad threatened to disown him if we got married and if he couldn't live without me his son should kill himself. I will end up breaking his son's heart and leave him. Sometime after bf moved to a different city and drank heavily. I cut off communication with him and made reckless decisions.

    Two years ago he came back and his parents told him not to contact me. He would end up hurting himself and me all over again. We started dating again. Recently he told me his parents know what I look like. I was under the assumption they knew nothing about me and preferred it that way.

    I don't know if any of you believe in reincarnation but my for birthday I did a past life regression. I learned I was married to my boyfriend twice! This helped me with my anxiety of the possibility him leaving for India again because there is always the next life for us!

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    1. Wow...I definitely believe in the past life thing!

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  9. Well I agree with most of what You Say here... Sometimes it does happen quickly. The boyfriend can choose to not go through with it but often is quilted into it. But parents are known to set advertisements before son comes home for a visit... Sometimes the boy doesn't realize it... Most of the time they do though.

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  10. Well these men are cheaters but I guess the biggest and most spineless creatures are those who marry and then miraculously expect the gori wife to suddenly become an Indian housewife complete with living with in laws, making them sit at home and what not. Basically this is worse because at least the men who left had their own priorities, their families were their priorities so they left to India and now the gori GF is left in her country and will eventually move on. But imagine these poor white women who have to tolerate all kinds of bull shit after marriage to assholes and then have a tough time getting a divorce.
    So ya anyday I prefer a man who leaves me rather than marries me and then tortures me because getting out of a relationship us painful but getting out of a marriage is horrible and worse and also not to forget the huge lawyer fees.

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  11. My Indian bf just broke up with me a week ago telling me that he can't be with me and he has to marry an Indian because his mum said so..... He says that he can't stand the pressure of his mum and due to this it has mentally and physically stressed him out. He can't focus on me or work. He's currently trying to get his PR and he says if he has his PR he would have told his mum about us.... I think it's a lie and I don't think things would be so easy if he has his PR! I feel like I have been played.... If these guys knew all along its about saying yes to the family and just do whatever makes his family happy then I think they should just stick to their own kind instead it's us girls, woman's getting hurt. What good is a man if he can't fight for what he wants ...... I'm suppose to meet him this weekend before we part our separate ways .... Totally confused and think it's a bad idea

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  12. Mine the same. He won't regret his choice. Mine never did. You should let him go, he won't let u go, but he will start being unpleasant one day, to make u back off from his life, and that's gonna be painful
    ª

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    1. True you are right .... It is very difficult for the both of us at the moment especially me. May I ask what happened with you and your bf?

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  13. Well, the same old story. My boyfriend visa ended and he decided not to marry me and go to india to marry someone else. i don't know what he is up to right now, as we don't speak. he treated me very bad after going back and hurt me a lot. i can't forget what he did. i love him. this is the short story

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    1. I'm sorry to hear that. I hope you are better now and have moved on... My bf and I have only just broke up 2 weeks now ... I guess I'll start to see how things are shortly but I will also keep a distance ....hopefully I won't bump in to him at work !

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  14. My friend married a muslim Indian man who was in the UK on a student visa. He said and acted like he loved her. It was just a coincidence that he could stay in the UK working, as he was now her husband and the visa was cheaper and more likely to get, than a single mans visa would have been. Meanwhile she googled him and found out that his parents (allegedly, he swears it wasn't him) were advertising his availability on an Indian singles site for 'nice' people to marry. He had lied to my friend and said his parents knew about their wedding, but he had told them nothing. She made him tell his parents he was married. By this time the father had arranged a marriage for his son with his friends daughter (a good virgin muslim professional girl in india). The son (ie my friends husband) was told to 'just get a divorce' from my friend. He tried to tell his parents he didn't want to marry the girl but didn't have the balls to insist and threatened her that he would kill himself or the shame would kill his father. A few weeks later the grandmother became 'dangerously ill' and he had to return to India. Before then he bought a watch for his 'sister'. I think the watch was the indian equivalent of an engagement ring and it wasn't for his sister. I am now waiting for the sudden news in a few months time that someone else is ill or something and he will have to return to india. At which point he will secretly get married, impregnate her, return to the Uk and pretend nothing happened and the sick relative has mysteriously recovered. Meanwhile I don't know how my friend can check if he got married or not. She does not have the £800 minimum it apparently costs for a quicky UK divorce and she is also helping support him on a monthly basis as she earns more than him and he sends hundreds home each month (probably to build an extension to the parents house in india for him and his new wife in due course). He only works part time and is incredibly lazy round the house, he is a millstone round her neck but she loves him. His indian dad lived abroad and had a mistress for years, only returning a few times a year to impregnate the real wife and view his kids when born, and then returning to the well paid job and the mistress. Like father like son.... but I don't think my friend wants to believe it and I feel heartsorry for her. Until the culture changes I think its best to avoid marriage with someone in a different country which has a history of multiple wives and duplicity. Im not saying nobody in the Uk does it, but its easier to catch them out if they do. I don't speak the language, and i don't know where I can look up an indian marriage register and I don't know who to ask. Any ideas? I emailed the registration office in the area the marriage would take place to see if they post the banns there, but nobody replied unsurprisingly as they are probably happy that their children can come to the UK, let their UK wife with two jobs pay all the bills while they work part time and send all their money home to india to their family. Why rock the apple cart and help me when they can keep schtum and continue with things that suit them.....

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  15. I had no idea this was a thing until it happened to me this week. My boyfriend (of only a few months, so I guess I'm one of the luckier ones - at least I didn't invest years in this guy) told me he was in Japan for work. I was missing him so I was looking around his Facebook page and randomly clicked on the profile of one of his cousins. This cousin had photos on his page from this weekend. Turns out my boyfriend was in India this weekend. One more click to another person's page and I also stumbled across an engagement photo of him and another woman. The weirdest thing is, he was the one who wanted a relationship with me, he was the one pushing for exclusivity, and he was the one who talked about our future together obviously knowing full well that we did not have a future. Because he talked so openly about our future together, I fell for him pretty hard and pretty fast. I normally would not have let myself get so emotionally invested so quickly but he made it seem safe. He was so sweet to me when we were together and always the perfect gentleman. When my uncle died a couple months ago, he barely left my side for days while I cried. It makes absolutely no sense. We even did long distance for the entire month of December. Why would he even bother putting the effort into a long distance relationship if he was just going to be engaged to someone else the next month? I even asked him once if there would be familial pressure for him to marry an Indian woman and he said no because his biological father is dead and his stepdad is white so there weren't any traditional expectations in his family. The people standing next to him in the photo are definitely all Indian so now I'm wondering what else he lied about.

    He and I haven't technically broken up yet since we haven't spoken in about a week. Obviously, I have no intention of carrying on a relationship with another woman's fiancee. He is supposed to be back in the states tomorrow or Friday and I am just wondering what he is likely to say to me. He doesn't know that I know about the engagement but he does know that I know he was in India since I sent him a message asking about that. I guess we will see if he even tries to talk to me at all.

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    1. indian boys make us think they are god boys, gentleman's, and very serious about our relationship, but they are just liars. like mine! i wish your boyfriend can tell you the truth and end for once with this telenovela, for your own good. good luck!

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    2. An update on this post: I was too distraught to wait until he got back to the US to ask him about the photo so I sent him a message asking about it as well as getting everything I needed to say out there. He immediately blocked me on (I'm assuming) all channels of communication. I guess I got all of the answers I am going to get. The possibility that, had I not found the photo, he would have come back to the states and tried to resume our relationship until he could get her here on a fiancee visa without me knowing is not lost on me. So, I am actually grateful to have found it.

      This is one of those situations that no one I have talked to in real life is able to understand so I am thankful that this blog post is here. It makes me feel less alone. I do, however, wish people would not generalize to all Indian men. Just because I, and many of the other people reading/commenting here, have been left devastated by heartless monsters doesn't mean all Indian men are like that. I am sure the vast majority are decent people. My best friend is an Indian man and he was completely shocked by this situation.

      If there is anyone reading this that is further along in the process, could you tell me (and anyone else who may read this at a later date needing the same thing) some strategies/books/movies/songs that have helped you through? I am just beginning this long and difficult healing process and could use some tips on where to start. This situation is different from a normal breakup and I feel like normal breakup coping strategies aren't really going to work.

      The other day I did put up a shoutout on Facebook asking for breakup songs. You Oughta Know by Alanis Morissette is good for the anger but Skyscraper by Demi Lovato has been, by far, the best one at helping me deal with the pain. The sheer amount of raw emotions in both of these songs has been helping me deal with mine. I was finally able to eat for the first time in four days today.

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    3. Ei cool. Mine blockec me in all social networks as well and we dont talk anymore. It is gonna take time to heal, a lot, but my advice would be: focus in what you like and the people that like you. Invest time with yourself and your loved ones and dont spend to much time watching movies and depressing, also this is a part of the process, like reading, good luck!

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    4. They assume we are like indian women, but since we confront them, cowardly they just reject and ignore without a word, because we think we are disrespecting them (they want to be always right!!!! Very stuborn!) I forgot to mention this in my previous comment lol good luck girl. Time will heal and will make you undersand that you dont need a man that disrespects you and doesnt stand on your side!

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    5. Another update on this one:

      It appears there was actually something more sinister going on here. It dawned on me today that his entire backstory completely unravels with the arranged marriage revelation meaning he lied to me about pretty much everything. There was just enough truth in it to keep it from unraveling on its own prior to that which means a good amount of thought and planning went into this. Basically, he created an alter-ego to get some unsuspecting girl (who turned out to be me) to fall in love with him so he could play out some romantic fantasy relationship before his real life kicked in. One thing I did know about him is that he was really into love stories. I thought it was cute but now I realize he wanted one of his own and didn't care who he hurt to get it. This was calculated and predatory and now I am left with feelings for someone who never actually existed. I still don't want to believe that anyone could do something that terrible, let alone someone that I let into my life, my home, and my bed.

      The one thing that offers me comfort here is that I still have a chance for the thing he wanted most: a real love story. This will not be it for me. It may take me a long time to trust again but I will.

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    6. Wow our stories are soo similar the only difference being that I blocked him and same thing happend he created this alter ego and I fell in love with someone who isn't him. Thanks to this blog I know I am not alone. Another diffence is that he was from Pakistan but our stories are pretty identical other than that. I was so guarded and I didn't rush into anything with him and I still got hurt. He got married two weeks ago and just got back yesterday and we have no spoken neither do I plan on speaking to him seeing as that I have him blocked on ever social network. He told me the same old song that he didn't love her and he still wants to remains friends after he got back from Pakistan which is why I blocked him. You and I will both heal and I also have not generalized all Pakistani men just because of him but I wil of course be much more careful in case I decide to date outside of my race. I am very thankful for this blog because I also do not feel alone and I know other people are goi through this although I don't wish this upon anything and no one should go through this. It is very hard to talk to my western friends because they do not understand but I will no give up on true love it will take me time to heal but I know that love has no color race etc and everyone tells me I will find love when I least expect it. God bless everyone who is going or has gone through a tough heartbreak

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  16. I broke up with Indian bf because he couldn't marry someone his parents did not approve. They insist on Indian wife. I'm Filipino and he broke the news at a very critical time when I needed a lot support as I have now been told by Dr that I should get a kidney transplant. 2016 couldn't get any worse. I don't have a donor and I'm broken hearted.

    But I'm proud of myself for cutting ties early. He didn't have the guts to end relationship saying that he is in the middle of nowhere and that he didn't know what to do. But I did! I will not marry a wimp who will abandon me when times get hard. It is sad but I keep telling myself I will get through this and I will be happy eventually! I love myself enough to not let anybody treat me this way for so long

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    1. Hi Bianca, I was just going through some comments and saw this. I'm also a Filipina, 3 weeks ago only when the family of my bf chosen a girl for him, the girl is from their own community, i went through a roller coaster ride of emotion, his dad knows about me, but his mum doesnt like him to marry someone outside their community, we tried convincing his family but we were unable to convince his mum. I gave up now as he is already accepting his fate, though he kept coming back to me and telling me how much he loves me and all, I'm trying my best to be strong and not give in.

      I hope your health will be better soon, that's more important.

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    2. Thank you. I feel better but not 100% well yet. You are right in saying health is more important now. Their families may not accept us but we will find someone whose family will welcome us for who we are.

      We do not deserve this kind of discrimination and treatment! Ever!

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  17. Big thumbsup for this Blogpost.
    Everything is bang on target.

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  18. My story is just a little different. My ex and i are both indian. He is from india while i was born and bred outside of india and only have a little of the indian mentality regarding family etc.

    Throughout our relationship of 2 years, he always told me that he would only get married with parental approval. I though that i would not mind staying by his side if he at least showed his parents that he was serious about me. His way of 'protesting' was to tell his mum that they could pick any girl for him when showed photos of potential wives. I finally broke up with him when he went to visit his family and then told me over the phone that his dad was sick and had surgery etc etc etc so he could not say anything at the moment. My own dad had a bypass only a year before and lived through knowing that his indian daughter was shacking up with her boyfriend. I realised that he woukd always give me excuses and hope that i would hang on longer in a relationship with him.

    I quit the relationship and he got engaged within 5 months and got married within a year. Interestingly enough he got married on the first anniversary of our break up. Im sure he was devestated..but i really did not want to be a fool for an indian guy who could not have the courage to hold my hand and tell his parents that he wanted me and would wait until they approved.

    At the end of the day he swapped someone who always thought of him and would have given up her life for him for a virgin who brought money into his family so his sis could get married off. He has never blocked me on facebook and i recently quit as many social media sites as possible..so he will never really know how i am doing.

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  19. I thought I'd leave a comment as after reading all of these I realise how similar it was to my experience, but with some differences.
    There was an Indian girl doing a Master's degree where I worked. I knew her a little. 6 months before the end of her course I decided to ask her out. I realised at the time the likelihood of something continuing after that, if it worked, was slim - but who knows right?
    Here is where the 'fun starts'. From the start she was saying, and I quote.
    "Don't get upset if I go home and get married quickly... haven't led you on"
    This was after 2 dates...she wouldn't tell her parents we were even friends, when we'd do things, photos on facebook were a total NO but ok for other 'friends'. A week or so after that she let it slip her parents would not like that I was white, technically Catholic (I'm not really) as she was told 'no muslims, no catholics'... jezzzz I had no chance at all.
    Instantly I had problems with this, I felt like it was a total waste of time... I'm happy to date if there is only a very slim chance but not with no chance... what's the point of getting attached and hurt right? I spoke to my family and they all thought it sounded like there was something going on back home and I was setting myself up for a fall. Of course I tried to argue differently. Now, this caused me stress and I did not like it at all. I was very suspicious, I know I was and I didn't like that, so I tried to end it..however I did like her, and I was easily talked around.
    This caused more problems because I was so stressed out I didn't behave too well ... for example we'd argue as I'd push to know why she would sit there and talk about people from her course, what they'd been doing and tell her parents etc but why they couldn't know I exist even as a friend when we'd been doing some good stuff. Also why she could have photos whit guys she knew in the UK on facebook but mine were just unacceptable etc - she did say it was he aunts would ask who I was... I thought so what, just say I'm a friend from university.
    This went on through the whole time she was here. She was saying after I tried to break up a few times that I had a 'small chance' but I didn't believe it because she was drunk one night after my mum gave me a bottle of Limoncello from Italy and she wanted to drink it ... she told me her brother thought she was leading me on (she told her brother and one friend both are in the US)but she'd assured him I was 'happy' with the situation and we were just going to enjoy the last month together...obviously I wasn't happy so I asked her if I had a chance then and she looked down shook her head and said no!!!! After that she'd say 99.9% no chance, but denied every saying I had no chance at all.
    She had to visit London 2 weeks before she left and didn't want to travel alone and asked if I would come... I put a holiday in from work to do so. When walking at 1am to get to the bus pick up point she was talking to her parents on the mobile and specifically told them she was travelling alone - she couldn't tell them I was going as a friend! 6 months after being together she had to lie.
    Anyway she dumped me right at the end. The night before she flew out of the UK she insisted I stay over....It was awkward as I had to travel to London by train the next day myself for a graduation for course I'd been studying part time around work.. and my train tickets were from another city. My family who I was travelling with were worried I'd miss it. But she gave me hell for not wanting to spend 'our last moments together'.. oh year lets just get the expected being dumped that I'd suspected from the start over with (I cringe now).

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  20. Since she returned home she has given me so much grief for not talking enough to her, replying to messages instantly etc. I have talked to her 5 - 6 times everyday and that's enough to someone you feel has messed you about and dumped you....she got angry when she found out off someone she knew that I was on a dating website...this was 3 months after her return home. I kept saying she can't argue with me over this stuff when she finished me etc. I've had to block her on Facebook and stop talking as I want to forget the whole thing especially when she was half teasing me over her being good for marriage etc.
    I will add she had only had one boyfriend before, but even she said it didn't count... it lasted 4 months and she saw the guy twice - we'd seen each other more in 1 week time wise together.
    She loved the time we were actually together as that side worked well... it was the bigger picture I had issues with. She maintains it didn't work because I argued with her over stuff like that above but she won't acknowledge the fact she was telling me I had no chance and acted like I was something needed to be hidden was the reason I was stressed out so much...like I say when we were actually together hanging out it was great.
    She even made reference to finances - I am taking a one year break from work to study so money is short at the moment but realistically it is a matter of 6 months - not a long time... huge problem to her though the way she was talking.
    What made me even more sceptical of her was when having a coffee I suggested something and her response.. She is a dentist and was doing a UK master's degree. That won't allow her to work here she needs to sit the theory and practical exam from the general dental council.. It's tough and the cost is about £3000.
    She did think about it when she started the course but was adamant she wanted to go home to Mumbai. When she was talking about the low wages etc there for dentists I explained why I thought the exams here were worth the risk even with the high cost... jobs, wages... cost benefit analysis and she said, and I quote:
    "why didn't you explain it like that 6 months ago as that does make sense"
    All of a sudden she was more interested she said her dad would expect ME to fund that for her and not him if she decided to keep me as a partner and she was serious about it and she was actively considering staying, sitting the exams and not dumping me.
    No way would I pay for someone who was saying I had NO chance etc when all of a sudden her interest is perked when it MADE FINANCIAL SENSE (sorry for shouting)... that kinda proved things to me.
    Anyway, there were more things that kinda indicated these things and I could talk all night about them. It would be so different if a guy she liked was telling her she had no chance and not to get upset if I get fixed up....
    I'd be the typical Westerner just messing her about and using her.


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  21. I gone through the link which you had shared with me. Now a days lots of people are using social media and expressing their views. I do not have any say on this however the blog which you shared in which how Indian boyfriends are leaving for arrange marriage is not at all true but I agree to some extent. It is very much biased and written out of own frustration that I can understand. Anyway, I will write my comment on it also. There are thousands of marriages and love relationships worked out and writer does not seems to have such orientation. Also, if you see western girlfriends and their stand on the relationship that is not even considered. Many of the west girlfriends are in to multiple relationship while they are in the relationship of Indian BF. But I can not generalize it. How can someone accept the girlfriend who is indulged with multiple relationship to jut check on whether it fits for her or not. So can not blame all Indian BF for their cultural stand. They are so many who have gone against their parents and tradition and got married. Even if we do it locally, love someone and very seldom people get chance to get marry with each other. That is everywhere in every country. Even if BF is from home country but many relationships get split and does not work out.

    In my opinion, love and marriage is two different things which can not be measured on the basis of one aspect. I know in western countries, people marry with a person whom they love and its tradition but dont they get separated? Do they stay for long time in relationship....many of them also get failure to sustain their married life....why it happens so we can not generalize it on the basis of few assumptions.

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  22. What to you if you are the Indian girl who married an Indian man who in past believed that "gori to bed " and "Indian to wed"? I came to know of my husband past and now my heart is not able to accept him. He is good to me but there is awkward silence in my heart and mind.i always think how can I trust him or love him ? .

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    1. Sorry your feeling this way. It can be very difficult, but as women we need to listen to our intuition, our gut feelings. If I may ask.. how did you find out about your husband's past? It is a serious subject, have you not spoken to him about it before? Very bold statement made by him. Are you feeling like it is not just his past behaviour? What sparked these feelings? Most often women do not engage in sexual relations with just anyone, unless it is their prerogative. Connections are formed, promises often made. Most females from all origins of the world fall for males they are with after "being in their bed". I have heard many stories lately of Indian men being in secret relationships, not telling family. Having girlfriends, some for many years. Running overseas to India or wherever it may be to have arranged marriages. With the intentions of keeping their previous relationship's. Lying is second nature. Even using religious means.
      I would have to agree with you in what your feeling. Why does it seem he is lacking respect for women alike. After all we are someones daughter, sister, mother, wife or potential lover. Would he appreciate it if he had a daughter who was treated like a toy by a man with his outlook or points of view. Listen to your gut. A woman's intuition speaks volume, and it should never be ignored. Look out for yourself.

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    2. The internet and social media are very powerful truth tools. I urge women and men to google search their partner, if they have doubts. His or her entire name in a search engine. Chances are you will be shocked of what you come across.

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  23. So here comes my story ... i came to know about his past via his phone.. he had some messages and pics. I was able to connect every dot. Phone had facebook messenger too and i was able to go through all the conversations he had.. i told him that i know about his past and he just said "he doesnt know what i am talking about" he just ignored it and didnt discuss about it .. he had a bad breakup where his first love cheated on him .. he went into depression and later he turned into this guy who just wanted to sleep with women . I understand what let him do that .. later he started looking for relationships but if i analyze them i know all he wanted is care and s**..he comes from conservative family who would have never understood what he wants in real life or if i may say "the gori" is his life... hence he was living this life.. when i got married to him .. i felt he is different and what possibly can make him like that and i started looking for his old mails/sms/pics.. just before our marriage he dated someone while our marriage date was fixed. i was in india ..met only once before marriage... i felt bad that why he married me when he was having doubts or no interest in me.he respects me but i feel the depth is missing. its been 2 years of marriage.. he want to have a baby.. but i dont know how can i have baby ? in our conversations i do tell him i know how many women he has slept with .. he just keep mum.. i respect relationships but i dont understand randomness .. i dont know how he can be true to me for all his life.. his friends do say he is changed.. he is no more that guy who use to party hard .. he is serious and focused.. when i ask him that does he feel the change in himself .. he says yes i do feel the change and its for good.. some incidents really makes uncomfortable like we met a girl in party and he told me that if he would have met before marriage his uncle would have let him date her.. i felt awkward and bad.. that is he not happy with his marriage or ashamed of me ? he doesnt have any pic of us on fb ... he says that he doesnt like PDA .. i dont believe that i feel he is ashamed of me.. [PS : he dated really hot women in his past and i am nothing in front of them..] ..i am patiently going on in my life.. waiting for him fall head over heels for me.. i think someday he will fall for me madly..till then i will wait for real him !

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    1. You said his friends said he has changed for the better and best of all, he chose to marry you in the end. Please be happy.

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    2. Don't worry he ll stick with u no matter what. If u compared yrself with other hot women he used to date pls don't be. My ex used to date me. I'm not bragging here but I think I'm just hot enough for him. Beauty with brain but infact I was stupid. Fooled by love. So he left to marry the girl his parent had set him with. That girl is nothing compared to me. Well lady u are damn lucky

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  24. Hello, I am so happy to have come across this! Glad I am not alone in this situation, I have looked everywhere so that I can post on my story because I too am going through this situation, and I finally broke it off with that two timing, asshole, selfish, narcissistic, jerk face! I just was hoping someone could comment so I can talk to someone's :/ I am seriously heartbroken, and sadly I have feelings for him, but I am happy with myself for making the right decision and cutting him off :(

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    1. Yeah, I really did make the right decision :( by cutting him off, it hurt like a week ago to talk about this but slowly but surely I am moving on, I still think about him a lot, but I have stopped crying and that is a plus for me :)

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  25. I am
    So happy I am not alone in this situation, glad also that I made the right decision, but it also hurt to make the right decision and not give in, because I was tempted to rekindle everything with that two timing, selfish, jerk face slime ball! I can't believe I fell for that jerk :/ I want to share my story but it hurts to much to talk about, glad I have you all story to read, but I think I need to talk about it cause I am void inside, I am too young for this :(

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    1. What story? you will be fine

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    3. This comment has been removed by the author.

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    4. My story is horrific, I am still not strong enough to talk about it :(

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  26. I see m not alone... I reading stories about loving Indian guy n m glad m not alone. My story is little different. .. i know Indian guy from more than 3 years by chat n video calling. We talk everyday, all time. We will meet hopefully in 4 months. But my problem is that he want only friendship with me ..n the worst he want to marry only Indian girl bcoz him family wants this, just he dont want complicate anything. Him family know about me, he know about my strong feeling to him ..even he said he loved me but no marriage. I dont know why they acting like that...they marry girls they not loving, they doing this for family not for self. Him family is opened minded n he can take marriage from love.Even i did video call with him family n they liked me, even i heard they asking him he will marry me. I dont understand him only... why he is scary so much to marry different culture girl? He said he dont want to lose me... but i cant be him friend when i love him ... :( i wonder this meeting is good idea.. i want see him but he will leave me n it will hurt more only :(
    I know what u all girls feeling now.. much hurted :(

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    1. same thing happened to me a week ago..he just agree when his parent want him to marry a girl of their choice.i was so heartbroken and could not think straight.we still together right now as the wedding supposed to be held on august this year.im trying so much to make him stay for me.but i dont know if this a right thing to do..im just so lost right now

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    2. hi there.same thing just happened to me last week.I really dont understand..i am so lost right now and could not think straight. i even thinking of commiting suicide. he told me that his parent want him to get married as soon as possible with a girl of their choice.i asked him wether he likes that girl or not and he told me he s not sure and he dont know.im so devastated right now and he dont have any choice so he might have to marry her.It s an obligation he said.he told me loves me so much but his parent are more important for him.i dont know what to do..we are still together right now but im not sure he still wants me or not

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    3. I know what you feel.. but if his parents are important than you ..than i think you should forget him.. My situation little changed, i said to him that i will have to break contact with him after he will get gf or marry some girl.. so next day he just asked ur mom what will happen if he will marry me. His mom said only that i will have to adjust to them lifstyle ..n he said he want life in India. I said him i cant live there for my safe, i want feel freely n safe in country i will live, i said m scared to be raped there what happen there very often. Than he asked what country i want live. Nothing is solve yet, just we talk only about it n leting know what we want, just imagination right onky. His mom may didnt liked this much but was calmly n i think she will accept it. The most she is scary of our divorce bcoz in his horoscope priest said he will travel to some girl to other country n 2 marriages he will take. For them that horoscope is commom made after born of kids n they believe in such thigs. I don't want live in India .. n we both didnt decided yet about any marriage. . We still r best friends.. its little scary for both of us that life.. 2 different cultures n we both dont want lose each other. We both r scary n thinking about this situation it is good for us or not, we really want it or not. We both dont want marry quickly so we we have little time. I know i want be with him..but difficult decide what is better for us. The most important for me was what he did for me.. he asked his mom marry me what was too hurry n she could not accept it. Now we waiting for our meeting in real.. n may someone here could say something what he/she think about my situation? I will really glad hear some advices about it :) thank you :)

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    4. I completely understand your pain here, but please do not commit suicide, please reply, feel free we both can talk about it, I am going through something similar :)

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    5. I am also going through a similar situation, except my partner already got married but never told me, had intentions of keeping me. I found out through social media. Not strong enough to tell my story yet. I do feel like taking my own life also, I do not know what to do. I never knew pain like this could exist. I never knew people could be so hurtful. My eye's opened. If you have Netflix watch Meet the Patel's, India's Daughter and A Sinner in Mecca eye opening and gut wrenching :((.

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    6. Also "What's Love Got To Do With It" on Netflix, sad...

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    7. Hi guys, I hope you look back at this message to the two who posted, whenever you are ready to talk about your story I am here, I bet 100 percent we are going through the same thing, it helps to talk to someone who is going through similar situations, sometimes it feels like you are all alone, and knowone understands. But please do not take your life, and commit suicide, feel free to reply :)

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    8. And for @Suzie and the person who posted above, or anyone feel free to reply, I am going through something I bet is similar in terms of emotion, however all our stories are probably different in many ways and similar, all the best.

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    9. Hi, early i was wrote about my future meeting with my Indian best friend.. so now is almost 2 weeks from our meeting. It was really great time.. he is really best man i could ever meet ... while those 10 days we walked much n visited many places un my country, n while walking we kept our hands together. ..or huged often also... day before his leaving we little kissed... next day he said sorry about this bcoz we r friends n its not properly. N now from 2 days we talking what next... he wanna come to me yet.. i said him what i feel but he saying he dont know what he feel, he is not sure that he love me to be in relationship. ..he is much scared of coming to my country. Leaving n accept his family n he scared our relationship may won't work. I don't know what to do.. i know i wanna be with him., m also scared of all those things but m readyvto try it. He saying he dont know.. n i dont know what to do.. m scared i will lose my young age for waiting for him n he will say in future he will marry indian only.. m confused.. can someone say something about it? What you think? Or what u could do being on my place?
      I have still gppd contact with him.. but its hurt me when he say he dont know what he feel n what will be in future. Do u think he will leave India for me n marry? After reading that blog i even dont hope he will do this.. Indian alway leave white girls for Indian? Bcoz his parents want it? ..

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  27. I'm concluding that most Indian man have no guts to stand up for their anti cultured ideas and wants. They will lie to the end and are selfish to satisfy their own wants not caring about the consequences of their non Indian partner. They can be such scared cowards to run off and leave behind their broken relationships and in some cases their unborn child. Why am I saying this??? Because my sister was in a 3+ year relationship with an Indian man living in the states with a work visa. They had a relationship living together. The few times his parents came to visit he lied bout his current living arrangements with his girlfriend and she too would allow him to lie as they would arrange their apartment as if he was a bachelor. I know this Es something she was allowing but in the end she got pregnant and him and the family asked her to terminate the pregnancy. He lied and lied so much saying he would confront the parents of his decision to be with her. Well that was all garbage. He paled up and left. Now you have a single mom about to raise her own child.
    My conclusion is this. Do not pursue on a relationship that is interracial unless it's open meaning family on both sides know. Weather they accept it or not because in the end it's what both partners want not what the family want. Family will have an opinion but the partners have the day. Make sure your partner is honest aswell. It really upsets me to see how much of a coward a man could be.

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    1. Thank you for advice n saying that sad story.. I know its happen bad sometimes. . I read really much about such relationships n overall about that culture. I know there is not always happy but i thinkthat everything depend from human also. Even in my country i can find bad guy. M chatting with that guy everyday.. he never lied me, he saying me everything as he feel n see. From beginning of our friendship he didnt gave me any hope for marriage, we r closed best friends n i see how he care about me n my feeeling. We talk open about him culture.. even we talk about worst thing which happen in India n culture.. he is not agry for it n explain me in calm everything. Yesterday we had talk about feeling... n he said he sometimes imagine how it will to be with me n kids.. even he asked me that m ready to live in India after marriage.. i said i dont know bcoz never was there n i will have to be sure m safe there. I asked him to live in different country than he said he like other countries to stay.. but the most he like India. I think we both are scared of this but we both want be together. He not saying this open to not making me any hope n i know it. He care about my safe i feel n my happiness. He said to wait with this topic till our meeting in real. I dont know the future will bring but he is really good guy i feel.. n in video call also i have good contact with him family.

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    2. I'm not sure if my situation is quite the same but my ex sent me a friend request 12 months ago we video called for 6 months then met 6 months later and all he wanted was marriage and baby very suddenly but my family disapproved and we stopped seeing in person but he would always video call and say he loves me but now he's marrying a indian girl for permanent residency but still says he loves me but I ended it I said good luck for the future I feel upset cause I was so deeply Inlove with him but I also think maybe he was lying the whole time to me so he could become a citizen...i'm glad I'm not the only one suffering this heartache

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  28. I'm so glad I came across this website as I'm living this right now, but with a Pakistani American. He's been in USA for 15 years, his mom still in Pakistan (father out of the picture). We've been together for 5 years and got engaged last year. Shortly there after, we got pregnant (on purpose). A week after the baby was born, his mother "got in a bad car accident" and he had to immediately fly to Pakistan. That morning he cried at my feet that he had to leave me. While he was gone, we texted/talked, with him telling me how much he missed me and loved me and the baby. I've since found out that the trip was planned and he got married while he was in Pakistan. Evidently, his mom wanted to set him up. I had met his mom and brother numerous times, I had thought that I had their approval! I haven't told him I know yet, as I want to get my affairs in order with the baby first. He continues to dote on me and the baby and has always been a great partner to me, but I imagine he intends to break up with me shortly as he is apply for his wife's visa. I wish I knew what he was thinking?! He still talks about our future together, but I love what someone said above--how there were hundreds of opportunities for him to stop this and he didn't. What bothers me about the whole thing is that I feel like there are no options besides us breaking up. It isn't like he's having an affair and I can ask him to stop. Basically, I'M the mistress!! It's devastating as he tells me how much he respects me and trusts me. It's ridiculous. Thanks to all for your stories and feel free to respond.

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    1. I'm so sorry this is devastating.I have a Pakistan boyfriend(I'm American)for about 7 months only but our relationship was like so close and then he informs me last week his Father is arranging his marriage.i have been so sick...but he talks like it as if it is just normal and told me not to leave him.i can't imagine having a baby and him going away...my heart is with you

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  29. I have been involved with Indian bf for 3 years,we have met in india where he couldn't do enough for me even going places together but had to be careful,we talk 4 times a day and skype often,he says he lovesme and ido believe him and I have fell fof him bigtime,he isplanning to come for holiday this year ic he gets visa,he says he wants to live with me and not marry his parents choice,but he says he has to cos this is what is expected of him but he still wants me to meet him in india and he wants to sti come to uk for holiday....he is a good man and has good job and never asked me for anything...we were even thinking of trying to go down the line of work permit but this is very difficult....the big problem also is I am a divorced 50 year old and he is 30 ,but I donot believe for one min he is only after citizenship. We have gone down all channels for visa and we are just waiting

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    1. What job does he do

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    2. This story is soo like my situation

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  30. I just recently started chatting/video chatting with an Indian man from the south. He's a lot younger than me by 9 years! Yay, I'm the crazy lady here, but anyways it started as a friendly chat. He would compliment me a lot, say he loves me as a friend, that I'm his best friend, and etc. I still can't wrap my head around this and why he would say all these things. Well it's escalated and we've had Skype "chats" but he can never talk because they'd over hear him. He's certainly coddled by mommy. He's been transparent in the sense that I know this isn't going to result in marriage. Then again he still talks about our future, tells me he wants to give me a child, asks me to make plans with him, basically sweet talking me. I'm just taking it as a fun time with him, but at the same time I wish he wouldn't say those things to confuse me. I told him I don't want to invest if it's not going anywhere. He just brushes it off and says he wants me, like that'll take care of my doubts. He's said he'll invite me to his wedding, that he'll also talk to his wife about me and I can go live with them. Who does he think he is? He's also emotionally manipulative like so many others have mentioned and I've only chatted with him for a short while. He's been consistent with all that he's telling me, but I'm thinking it's time to stop this before I really hurt myself. I hope ladies out there see this blog post and it helps them as it's helped me to see that it's sadly a common place for them to play before their arranged marriage. Keep your guard up and don't let their sweet empty words persuade you into their make believe reality.

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    1. Hi Yasmin, Your situation sounds exactly like a friendship an indian guy I know from the south is having. The timeline even fits as last month (Nov.) he told me aboutsomeone he has been talking to for 7 months. I have a gut feeling we know the same person! I too have been chatting withhim online. Justcurious what his initials might be.

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  31. Yasmin, i have much simirar situation like your, me also chatting with Indian guy (we are same age) from more than 3 years, everyday n video calls also. He is really amazing, nice, understanding, helpful n he really care. He is really lovely. I said him my feelings but he always says he also have some feelings for me but he is not sure its love.. he is scary in that coz we both are from 2 different cultures n countries. I know for him is much important what his mom says.. he said him family thanking he will marry me, but don't know what theg think seriously. In 2 months we going to meet each other in my country, he will apply now for visa n hope he will get it. I wish ut will best 10 days in my life, that first our meeting in real. Few weeks ago we talked about our marriage may possible but if he nit sure about love than we stopped talk about this. He said everything depend from out real meeting. He is really my best friend, i really love to talk with him n share about everything. M scared that meeting will break it.. when we talked about marriage was small argue, mean he want to take marry in India n Hindu kids of course, he want also stay in both countries, my n his India, but i dont want stay there... i think i wont feel freely there as here in my country. Dont know what future bring..m really scared of this all.. I know only for today he is really amazing n i dont imagine to self my life without him. Please, tell me what you thinking.. to kepp that friendship only n allow him marry hindu there or just fight about marry me? m really glad here are girls about similar stories with whom i can talk about it, thank you :*

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    1. I would advise you to do what will help you sleep better at night. If he's not sure about a marriage with you after 3 years of constant contact, I'd be careful. The man I've been chatting with asked to meet with me as well, but I will never let it get to that point for my own safety. I hope you meet him with a friend or let someone know of your meeting. If you've both have expressed your needs and expectations and are there's no mutual agreement or compromise, don't waste anymore of your time.

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  32. Yasmin, thank you :) but u think he will do something wrong to me? we also started chat as a friends only, juzt while chatting feeling came.. he were nevr in any relationshop so she is scary also more n he is not sure its love.. he scared same like me only. i hope everything will be fine.. for sure after marriage i wont want live there in India.. its not my climate n i wont feel safe there oustide home also. he is not typical Indian man who want to marry quicky n get kid likr for enjoying only.. as i see in ur story. he is more carefully what he saying n what he doing.. he dont want to hurt me any his family. i hope our meeting will be best only n nothing wrong will happen :)n of course my family n friends know about him n about our meeting :)

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    1. That's certainly up to you too meet him. I'm just looking it from my perspective. I'm an overly emotional person and can fall quickly for someone, so when I said safety I meant my emotional safety. I wish all the best for the visa and meeting for you both.

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    2. Yes I am also much emotional...n this also m sacred i will fall in love really much in him n later he will marry diffrent.. but really want to meet him, n really thank you Yasmin :) for sure i will write everything after my meeting with him :)

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  33. Wow looking through this is frustrating. I'm an Indian woman born in the US who was dumped by an Indian man because he couldn't tell his parents about me and he's already being set up with someone else. He even admitted to being a coward.

    From the comments I'm reading, I'd advice everyone to be cautious of Indians who do not have a PR because most of them are just looking for that. Most of the Indian women I know who have PRs stay clear of men who don't because they only want one thing.

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  34. I have been dating this man for 16 months now. He asked me to marry him. The first 2 times I said I wasn't sure. I'm 14 years older than him. I said your parents will not like that. I have met his mom once and she was very nice. I never met his father or his sisters. He never told his parnets he was with me. He would say he had to work out of town. Then a couple of weeks ago he tells me his dad wants him to get married. He tells his mom he wants to marry me. The mom talked to the dad and he said no . My son will marry someone his own age. So I'm trying to be strong with everything I have heard. My boyfriend is leavig in 1 week for. Fuji. He seems very upset.

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  35. Omg I'm going through the same thing. I text my boyfriend and told him everything I said was going to happen did. He never told anyone when we would go somewhere for the weekend he would lie to his family and say he was working. We would take pictures together but not once did he ever put them on fb like he did the picture of him alone. He said he loved me and couldn't live without me. Well he leaving next week for a vacation with his family back home. When I told him I found this website he said I'm from Fiji not Indian. Does that mean anything ?

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  36. It's more than just Indians. My boyfriend of 3 years is Persian, and his parents have tried to arrange marriages for him since he was 15, to ensure that he marries a Persian girl (and preferably a cousin, to keep in the family and get another family member US citizenship -- he's adopted so no blood relation issues). He's been able to resist, but now his emotionally abusive and manipulative mother has terminal cancer (now given 12 months likely to live) and says her dying wish is for him to leave me and marry a certain cousin.

    His father pitched it to him as "Marry her to make your mother happy, and save her from Iran by getting her a US citizenship; in the worst case you can divorce once she has her citizenship and your mother's gone and go back to this other girl then if you want to."

    Of course, that will be 3-4 years, during which his parents will be pressuring him to stick with her, buying him things to make him more comfortable in that life as reward for doing what they want (they've already now paid for a semester of grad school and telling him they'll buy him whatever new car he wants for graduation). Not to mention guilt trips of, It's your cousin, she's lonely and doesn't understand America, show her the sights and get to know her and keep her company, etc. I don't believe for a minute that they'd cooperate with a divorce even if my boyfriend manages to not get too comfortable in that life in 4 years to not want to hurt the cousin or disrupt things.

    Our tentative plans were for him to be an optometrist and I would manage his practice, run an independent business together. My boyfriend says he still wants us to be best friends, that he'll visit a lot, that I can still follow him to California (where his parents live, on cancer news he arranged to transfer to CA for his externships to help take care of her) and be business partners with him there in a few years. Wtf? If I still loved him how could I stand to see him go home to his wife? If I didn't, why would I go through tremendous expense and effort just to see him a bit during the day, for barely any more salary and in a much more expensive place to live, and enabling him to take the lion's share of the business profits home to his wife? His dad is just saying whatever it takes to make it easier for my boyfriend to agree. And once that first "Yes" is in place, then it's "yes" to get to know her, and oh, yes, that separate bedroom thing we promised you can't happen since Immigration has to see you live as married in order for her to get citizenship, and oh, yes, you need to look after her, you agreed so you're responsible, and oh yes, how can you leave this poor lonely cousin to go visit someone else, and oh, yes, your mother's NEXT dying wish was for grandchildren so you'd better get her pregnant, and oh yes, now you have kids, you can't just divorce.....

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  37. hi..can anybody here help me..its been a month now when me and my ex broke up because his arranged marriage...and i am still crying..i dont know what to do...i really love him..i am trying everything just to forget him but icannot..

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    1. Dear dont be worry... this pain will gone one day, believe me, i know now its difficult bcoz its "fresh situation" but in few months u wont think about this. My ex (not Indian) also left me for doffrent woman n married her 6 months after our break up. I also felt really terrible n cried... but now one year n 6 month m a single n believe me m really happy he married her. In perspective of time u will know that good happened coz u r not with person which wont do everything for you to be with you. Try to not think about him n make self busy. Me for example started exercise n going for dance classes, really helping :D in 3-4 months u will feel better ;) best wishes :*

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  38. My Indian best friend got visa! :D i can't wait our meeting in 37 days :D really exciting n happy :D hope for best :D

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  39. It's still hard to share because I'm still married to the man who has left me to go accept his parents wishes for an arranged marriage.

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  40. Women dont fall for nice words and small signs of attention. U have to switch your brain on and approach to an indian man from the scientific position. What kind of power do they own to cause such misery???

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  41. Hi ladies I am currently in this situation now been with my partner for 4 years fell pregnant very early in he pushed and pushed for me to abort it so I gave him his wish he suddenly dropped on me 3 days ago his mum asked him to get married he says he said no he said she thought she found a wife but she was to old for him this broke my heart he promised he would say no all the way but now he's telling me his mum has set up a profile about him to put out there and if they force him there's nothing he can do in torn apart he's my world but I have to make a decision stay and hope he stands by his heart or leave him and let him marry off his parents don't no about me but arnt that strict either their Muslim but certain things that goes on tells me they arnt strict Muslim I just don't no wot to do

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  42. i think u should fight about this love till day he will get marry... may something will happen that he wont marry there. n the most important u wont regret later on that u nothing did.. u will have clean soul n this is more important. if u love him than try everything to he stay with u.. or just talk with him hosent n may u stay as a best friends together.. who know may he will take divorce n back to u :) m saying that coz me also love indian boy n i feel i can fight to be with him.. but we use brain also to everything was good in future also... n if we love each other than we think to be as a best friends bcoz who know what will be in future.. after divore we wont have contact but as a best friends we will always have each other.. n i think its more impprtant if u love someone.. may its hard but u have this person always n can talk any time u want :)

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  43. Hello,
    I used to be in a relationship with a guy from India. I was 19 and he was 26. It was a friendship that started online. After a while we decided to date. We did date for a while. However, the relationship turned bad and it really messed me up. Well, I was in a really tough place and this relationship wasn't helping me at all. Long story short he is married to someone else and I haven't talked to him in two years. I'm twenty four years old now. What I did long ago was to look at every forum/chat etc. and just focus so much on this guy that I made it worse. Well, I focused on this situation beyond all limits that I drove myself further into a hole. I hope this is making sense thus far. A couple of years have passed and i'm okay with the whole situation. I'm actually grateful that I never met him or married him (not that it was ever going happen, but you know). So he was a hindu and I was catholic. Anyhow, after I decided to walk away (don't get me wrong, it was extremely hard to do so) I started to go school(college) and I met a girl there that had converted to Islam. She and I became really good friends and one time she invited me to go to a mosque. Once again, long story short I loved it and decided to convert to Islam. It made me feel that I had hope to overcome this situation that had caused me so much pain. And here I am. I won't deny that I don't think about him here and there but I can finally say that I am not in the same place that I used to be. I am stronger than what I used to be. I thank Allah (God in Arabic, Like God in Spanish is Dios. So therefore, Allah is God but in Arabic. You guys get it? =D Anyway. I really don't want to write anything about him that would be in a way..Lets say bashing him and what not. The past is the past and Islam has taught me to forgive and to talk nicely of people. I might not have done that exactly but I just wanted to share my story. To tell you guys that are going through all this pain that time heals all wounds! I also want to tell you that you guys deserve someone who will treat you right! Don't settle for anything less. If anyone wants to know more or is confused about what I wrote go ahead and let me know. I know that in this very moment it sucks and it feels like hell. Because, Hey I was there but you will get through this. Maybe not this instant but at some point.

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  44. I am Indian, and my boyfriend of 2.5 years is also Indian, though from different state, caste, language. We have been living together in UK for the last one year, and now suddenly his parents are forcing him to get married, to a sanskaari Indian girl (not woman). He says he is helpless, he cannot go against them, and also I won't be the ideal bahu that his family expects.

    I tried some, and then gave up. No use banging your head against a stone wall. Life goes on, and nobody deserves this humiliation.

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  45. Try the song "linger" by Guy Sebastian. When it's in an indian mans fate to have an arranged marriage, you can squeeze and squeeze but you can't get any blood from a stone.

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  46. I am also in an early relationship with an Indian guy, we met online and chatting since August, I find him so unique and sweet and he loves me (he says) as I love him so much by now. The very first time I am aware that I will never be accepted by his family and that he is agreed that his family will find a girl for him. But he is so dear and made efforts to talk to me and to my siblings and to my daughter, I am 13yrs older than him but he said I am hi life and sometimes we talked about future, he said he want to have babies with me even he know that I don't have anything to offer with him except my love. just I said that it is so early for us to talked things like this. Since I love him I do some reading to made me familiar about his culture then I found this blog, and now I am so scared, don't know what to do but for sure I am scared of loosing him but I am also afraid that im going to loose myself if I continue this relationship with him. Pls help me to decide.

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    1. Leave him. Trust me. I've been reading a tonne of these blogs because I recently went through a similar situation. I met an Indian guy (in Saskatoon, Canada who was originally from Chandigarh) and he said all the right things. He was very smooth. We were together for almost two years. My intuition, however, always told me something was wrong. He worked an awful lot and really didn't want anyone to know about us. I found this interesting, as I am normally someone that men covet.

      Anyway, I eventually found out about a Shaadi page that he had and confronted him about it. Suddenly, he went from the glow of love to telling me that I never meant anything to him, he was shocked that I developed emotions, etc., etc. He even told me that all the bullshit he spewed (from "I love you" to asking me repeatedly to marry him) was because it was his personality. He was a sales guy, after all. At the end of our argument, he started pleading with me that he was a good person who believed in God and that I needed to forgive him. It was so bizarre. He wanted to continue or at the very least be friends. I have blocked him from everything.

      I can't believe how good of an actor he was. Deceit was an art to him. There were moments we shared that I believed to be genuine. It hurts to know that I was being played, but no one is exempt from it. No one in my life has EVER made me feel as cheap as this man. I hope the karma he so diligently believes in bites him in the ass.

      It is taking everything in my power right now to expose his name. I will just end this by saying women REALLY need to be on guard when dating Indian men, especially those from the Punjabi region. Love, relationships and marriage mean something different to them.

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  47. thank u for this life saving blog & comments <3
    same kind of case with a guy fron Nepal.

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  48. I didn't realize how lucky I was many years ago...I dated a Punjabi Muslim that I met at work. He told me his father would never accept me (I'm American) I accepted it and never let the relationship go beyond of friends with benefits, never lived with him. Kept it fun and light because I remembered what he said. He was moving for his engineering job to the NW asked me to move with him. Said no, what will you do with me when your father comes to visit? He said "Oh, yeah."....like it never dawned on him. I moved on, stopped seeing him, never heard from him again...so happy he was truthful with me. My heart breaks for these girls who don't realize how this could really go wrong and be left when the guy goes back to India and turns up married.

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  49. Hi, it is a learning curve for many. I experienced heartbreak for same reason.he had to go through arrange marriage. He is marry now for a year.we try to be friends because we meant for each other so much,not only been lovers.but its more complicated of course. We miss each other and reconnect.meanwhile he works on his marriage and i work on my moving on.we wish each other well. All is known what should be done but feelings are on the way. Sometimes we will act irrationally because of them and it takes strength to shift towards what is best for us.Id like to share my understanding to all trapped, heartbroken, lost.as you see you are not the only one here. Wish you to heal and be brave to see what you truly deserve, for sure better.

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  50. Hi amanda ..
    Really this is so hard ..
    My muslim boyfriend tells me that hebthink that after maybe two years he will get married in other woman because of arranged marriage..this is so very painful at my part cause i know that we love each other ..do you think theres a posibility that he dontvgo for that marriage ? Or you think he can say no for it ??

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    1. Hi Georgina - I am not Amanda, but I am someone else that was in this situation recently. I know this isn't what you want to hear but 99.9% of the time, the man will not go against his parents wishes. This is not something that we expect (being from a different culture that gives precedence to love over societal obligations) but it IS what happens for most Indian men.

      I was recently in a relationship with someone for 1.5 years. He would tell me he loved me. He asked me to marry him four times. Then when I finally wanted to start seriously talking about it, he became a different person and told me that it would never happen. He was actually puzzled at how I could put emotion into it. I have never felt so cheap and used in my life. I felt like I had spent all that time wrapped up in something that didn't exist. It felt like fraud. I am still recovering from it. Now I feel I have to help others. Websites like this have shown me that this is a common trend. These man need to be honest upfront about their intentions and not play with the emotions of others. I see this deceit being a life-long thing as I doubt they'd inform their family/future bride about their past. How they reconcile this with their spirituality/religious beliefs is beyond me.

      I am not saying your boyfriend is that callous, but I feel this was just experience for him. Nothing more. I know this is not what you want to hear. I didn't want to face this truth either, but it's best you start distancing yourself. Please trust me on this or you will get more hurt.

      D

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  51. Hi amanda ..
    Really this is so hard ..
    My muslim boyfriend tells me that hebthink that after maybe two years he will get married in other woman because of arranged marriage..this is so very painful at my part cause i know that we love each other ..do you think theres a posibility that he dontvgo for that marriage ? Or you think he can say no for it ??

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  52. Wow... somehow all these stories, including mine, have lots in common! I've been with an Indian guy for 6 years... During which he used to take immense care of me, always acted as per my wish, showered me with words of love... in short- i thought i was living a dream... which after 6 years turned out to be the worst nightmare... everything changed literally over night... and i mean litterally! from a kind and loving guy who always cared about my feelings the most, he suddenly became the most cold blooded liar and cheater ever!!! its as if he became a compete stranger just over night... but one thing is for sure- it is never about parents, family nor adjustment to an indian culture- it is always all and solely about HIM and all inside HIS head... yet we cant blame these guys for not knowing how to appreciate a true love, a good woman above all, cause... after all they weere raised in such society where marriage is considered as a business contract. May God help all of us girls and women who are going through this immense pain caused by cowardly act of an Indian men... Sisters by pain, Be strong! And dont ever, i repeat EVER get back in touch with him once he gets married cause= GORI TO BED and DESI TO WED... They will use you once again and thats when your agony gets even worse than it was cause he will play blame game on you and make himself look like a victim, so typical for Indian guys...

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    1. he is now dating this arranged girl as if i was never a part of his life. He even showed me msgs that they exchange. Through whole conversation he's talking to her so dearly as if he knew her since forever. he even says 'i love you' to her and all... i confronted him, asked him how can he do this, why did he start a relationship with her behind my back... why he cheated on me... but he just tells me to go away and dont give him stress... that we dont have a future and he will never ever want to be with me again ... i feel like ending my life. i feel totally betrayed by the person whom i've trusted the most... for him im nothing now but a burden, hes constantly repeating that he doesnt want me now but for me hes the only one whom i need now and who can save me... i really want to die..............

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    2. Anonymous January 10 - please don't think or say such things. At the end of the day he is not worth it. Life will go on. You will find someone again. I know this is of little comfort right now, but trust me. You are worthy of love AND respect and it will come.

      What you wrote is EXACTLY what I (and many other women) on this and other sites have experienced. It's been a few months for me right now and I am actually starting to laugh at the whole thing. It's so bizarre to me that nearly every story is exactly the same. It's like they take lessons in deceiving gori before traveling and living in another country.

      Karma does exist and it will come to him. He may be putting on airs, but this is all theatre. Somehow I doubt these "men" (and I use that word very loosely when describing these guys) will end up happy in life. They don't know what love is and I pity them. I am hoping you, too, reach that stage in the coming weeks and months.

      If you ever need to chat, please keep leaving messages here. I am here to listen as are many others. :) I wish you all the best.

      D

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    3. Thank you... Well the update now is that he actually is convincing parents to cancel marriage, his mother supported him but father does not agree... Now this seemed quite fishy to me but then again I cant be sure whether hes lying to me again or not as he was crying saying that he doesnt want to leave me and he wants to be with me, that he stopped talking to this arranged girl etc. So the thing is that now I am even more confused... Just when i thought of moving on and letting him start a new happy life with this girl, all of the sudden he approaches me with this story... shall i trust him one last time or not? no idea... Totally confused. :-/

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    4. Don't trust him. You are setting yourself up for more hurt if you step back into this 100%. Please read all the other comments on this site or the one posted below and really take heed of the advice and experiences that we all seem to share: http://www.experienceproject.com/stories/Love-My-Boyfriend/1603550

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  53. We share the same experience here. Better off without indian guy. They said the right things but didnt mean it. They dont hv balls to stand up to their parent.saying no to their parent for an arranged marriage make them a sinner. My ex told me if he said no to his parent they will commit suicide.yea guys they hv a lot of over reacting dramas.

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  54. reading this hurts cos i can see what my future will be like. i met my indian boyfriend on board both of us working in a cruise ship. he told me in the begining theres no future for us cos he can only marry indian hindu girl and have arranged marriage and he cant do anything about it.. fast forward few months im back home and now im pregnant with his child. a child he cant stand up for.

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  55. Alexandra - I am so worried about a friend of mine; she has a boyfriend, who if he hadn't gone to India last year and become engaged, would be perfect. This summer he will be headed back to India to get married, and I am so worried about her, and her impending nervous breakdown. I don't know what I can do to help her. I feel terrible. What can I do to help my friend. I love her and don't want to see her hurt?

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  56. I to am a victim of this atrocity. I left my husband of 12 yrs because of how he treated his children. I was single only 1 month when I met an Indian man that lived here in Canada we were supposed to be friends but fell in love and started dating. 2 years in I introduced him to my children. we continued to date and more seriously loved each other and talked about a future together. I felt lucky to find someone that I had a connection and passion with that also loved my kids. on year three he went to India to tell his family he wanted to marry me. I spoke with his mother on the phone she said why do you love my son? I was caught off guard and hadn't expected to talk to her on the phone and didn't know what to say to her. I told her we were very connected and shared so much together. She didn't even let me finish and passed the phone to him. His brother from Australia was there to supposedly support him turned against him also and the whole family said no to marrying me. They told him to end it over the phone. He didn't have the guts to talk to me on the phone he texted me to end it.

    I tried to fight for us reasoning with him to do the same. when he came home we didn't talk for a while since we had broken up and tried to stay that way. Our passion was so strong we ended up together again for another year off and on because he would pick fights over nothing and try to break up over and over. each time I let more time pass before seeing him.

    after 5 months we started seeing each other again. he kept saying he's in love with me and knows nothing else in life and I kept falling for it.

    Last night after being together I told him I missed my period and he said to me don't get pregnant. I said why was he saying it like that and why can't we just have a life together.

    after digging and trying to get to the bottom of it he admitted he was married he said he hasn't met her yet but signed marriage documents so she can get here to Canada.

    I'm devastated he didn't tell me I don't sleep with married men he knows that. He put on quite a show colapsing to his knees crying saying he'd never use me and loved me with all his heart. Right now I'm in shock and feel I never knew him at all.

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    1. I'm so sorry to read about this... But you have to be strong & walk away from him, he betrayed you & that is for very miserable motives.... he will build a life with her & you will be the one waiting & suffering. Wish that I could tell you something positive regarding this but we all gone through these situations, which are similar to yours, and it never ended well..... I mean it ended well fpr these guys cause they didnt lose a wink of sleep, they didnt shed a tear, they simply continued to live their lives as if we were never a part of it..... be strong my dear, we all are going throught hard moments but, even I feel too that I never knew my boyfriend either, the real him.....

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  57. My indian boyfriend and me are having a baby boy soon im 6 months pregnant now. When our company cancel his visa he return in india and i arrange his visa and plane ticket to go back in dubai. He came back jan 23 but i didnt know that his leaving feb 1... he leave me without knowing that his coming back in india and will never come back again here in dubai... im too much pain hurt all emotions is there... he left me with nothing only problems that i will face on my own.. and the next day i just got a news that his with his indian gf together in bombay... that time my whole world crushed down... now i dont know if he will still want our baby because before he always said to me and to our baby that he loves him so much the baby and his waiting the baby to deliver.... now im back in my country im waiting for my delivery date...

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  58. My indian boyfriend and me are having a baby boy soon im 6 months pregnant now. When our company cancel his visa he return in india and i arrange his visa and plane ticket to go back in dubai. He came back jan 23 but i didnt know that his leaving feb 1... he leave me without knowing that his coming back in india and will never come back again here in dubai... im too much pain hurt all emotions is there... he left me with nothing only problems that i will face on my own.. and the next day i just got a news that his with his indian gf together in bombay... that time my whole world crushed down... now i dont know if he will still want our baby because before he always said to me and to our baby that he loves him so much the baby and his waiting the baby to deliver.... now im back in my country im waiting for my delivery date...

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    1. Be strong girl! Just love your baby and one day he or she will reward you with something..you have to accept that his gone now and maybe if he still loves you he will try to contact you!

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  59. Hi ladies, I have same story like all of you out there! But mine was a totally world record I had a relationship with a an Indian man for 7 yrs. ..yes 7 yrs. .We meet at work...I was very faithful to him..He was from Tamil...After 7 yrs of being together I forced him to visit my home country and that's the time her Fiance come to know about us! GOD is good! We were about to get marry by then..lucky we didn't or else I'm now married to a guy who is now gone..After our vacation to my country we started fighting and not talking to each other his always drunk and yes..He cried some time to me and tell me to be strong! I kind na know what's coming next! So to cut it short he left India and never come back!now it's almost 5 yrs. ..After he tried to contact me and ask for money he said he has no job and needed money as he was sick..I decided to send him money as my donation for his incoming death�� so I sent money! I don't want to feel guilty one day if I hear a bad news and was not able to help! Anyway I moved on..After 5 yrs. .After n and meet a very nice guy from India...yes.another one..I don't want to judge because he seemed very nice..However I am really afraid to trust him...He knew all about my X and he said he will never do the same thing to me...I have not meet his family yet but we are planning to do this soon....He just went vacation recently for vacation in India and just noticed he has a photo of a girl in his wallet is this normal...We are dating now for almost 6 months..please enlightened me..I don't want to get hurt for the 2nd time around! Only the thing that jeeps me going is knowing that his parents are love marriage!

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  60. I am pretty sure he and most other Indian men mentioned here are using you for meeting his own means. Either, he wanted to show you off as his trophy girlfriend or for sexual favors (because pre-marital sex is pretty much still a taboo in India, i.e. Indian girls mostly forbid that) or he probably was too afraid of his parents. There are a lot of restrictions in India about love marriage. This is changing but people still believe in marrying within one's own caste, or one's own religion. Besides, there are a lot of misconceptions about western culture. Some people believe western world to be very promiscuous. Every Indian guy knows the amount of opposition the idea of marrying someone from european or american descent he might face.

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    1. I'm an African American woman who's been knowing my Indian boyfriend for over five years we met in college! Long story short I never gave him the time of day! I tried dating him five years ago, he broke up with me, he disappeared for two years, I was devastated! He came back we tried it again, once again he disappeared for another two years, I was hurt, but I could move on.

      Last year he contacted me, he stated he needed to start a family, because his father was dying and wanted to give his parents grandchildren. I've haven't had sex with him at this point, I decided to have sex with him. We were having sex so much, then he told he had to leave for India. I didn't hear from him for over a month! He came back and we were having sex, I do everything sexually! I notice something was off, once we finished he had to hurry up and leave! Humm that's unusual, I noticed he's been doing this a lot! I don't talk to him at night anymore, he doesn't text me back like before, I don't hear from him everyday. Eventually I asked him, he told me he was married! He didn't love the woman, he's not in love with her! He loves me! I'm devastated again! Why? I'm having unprotected sex with this man, I'm in LOVE with this man! I can't stop having sex with him knowing he's married!! Ugh! He told me he's going through a divorce, he's not in love her it was arranged, blah, blah!

      I know this is unhealthy and wrong, but the things he says to me. I love you! I need you! You love me, but you're married!! I need to let this relationship go! I'm so pissed! I'm so hurt! I feel like a fool! He tells me to wait on him and be patient and we can be together! I believe he's lying! I'm having sex with a married man! He tells me he's not sleeping with his wife! I'm the only woman he's sleeping with! I'm so hurt!! I know he's lying to me, but I'm in love with him!

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  61. I'm an African American woman who's been knowing my Indian boyfriend for over five years we met in college! Long story short I never gave him the time of day! I tried dating him five years ago, he broke up with me, he disappeared for two years, I was devastated! He came back we tried it again, once again he disappeared for another two years, I was hurt, but I could move on.

    Last year he contacted me, he stated he needed to start a family, because his father was dying and wanted to give his parents grandchildren. I've haven't had sex with him at this point, I decided to have sex with him. We were having sex so much, then he told he had to leave for India. I didn't hear from him for over a month! He came back and we were having sex, I do everything sexually! I notice something was off, once we finished he had to hurry up and leave! Humm that's unusual, I noticed he's been doing this a lot! I don't talk to him at night anymore, he doesn't text me back like before, I don't hear from him everyday. Eventually I asked him, he told me he was married! He didn't love the woman, he's not in love with her! He loves me! I'm devastated again! Why? I'm having unprotected sex with this man, I'm in LOVE with this man! I can't stop having sex with him knowing he's married!! Ugh! He told me he's going through a divorce, he's not in love her it was arranged, blah, blah!

    I know this is unhealthy and wrong, but the things he says to me. I love you! I need you! You love me, but you're married!! I need to let this relationship go! I'm so pissed! I'm so hurt! I feel like a fool! He tells me to wait on him and be patient and we can be together! I believe he's lying! I'm having sex with a married man! He tells me he's not sleeping with his wife! I'm the only woman he's sleeping with! I'm so hurt!! I know he's lying to me, but I'm in love with him!

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  62. I'm so sorry to hear that lady, but I had the same situation with you...Indian men are really carring and romantic also good in bed that's d reason why we ladies are being trapped by them..need to be clever and protect yourself from him need to see all the bad things that he had done yo you and be busy go far away from him and see if he really lover u he will follow u..and please don't just give yourself to him as consulation u deserve better than him...This is also what I'm doing to Mt current bf now I told him that I don't want to have sex anymore with him unless we are not married and he agreed..His still calling and we talk every day..now its been a month let's see

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  63. Hello, I am Lina and been in a long distance relationship with a Punjabi Indian man. I love him so much and can't figure my life without him. I trust his words but sometimes I get confused because I am not completely aware of what his family thinks about me. We met in India last November and I met his brother and cousin. After some time of coming back home he told me that he showed my picture to his mom and sister. He told me his mom asked if I can make a wife for him and he told me about his sister's concerns with culture and religion differences. Everything was fine but then his grandfather died and his dad got sick. I felt he started feeling pressured to get married after that, he was rushing me to get there and marry him but I told him it's not that easy for me. Then he asked if I plan on staying in a LDR with him forever as circumstances have changed for him and his parents wanted to arrange him in a marriage, he said he couldn't wait for me because his family needs it and asked how long it would take me, he even said his parents are looking for a bride and that broke my heart... I wanted to accept it so badly and I was trying to make myself realize it is probably what he wants and needs. This is the part that confuses me, couldn't he tell them he wants to marry me if he told his mom before that he loved me? When I confronted him he started saying it's only because people over there believe in arranged marriages but he said he doesn't plan on it and that he wouldn't do it to me. Okay after a few weeks, he bluntly lied to me and told me he's getting married in June because his sister is looking for bride and that he had a ceremony. It was all a lie because he admitted he never planned on it, he just did it to make me feel sad and helpless at the moment since we had a quarrel before. We talked about it, he made it clear he would never double-cross me like that and that he felt very bad doing this while he almost cried. Now all I wonder is why was he behaving like this if he wasn't intending on marrying yet even if his parents pressure him to and he said he will wait for me? If he wants to wait for me I wonder if it's because he feels he needs to marry for his family or because he plans on leaving me for an arranged marriage later on.

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  64. I'm currently in a relationship with an indian man to, we are in a long distance relationship, but now i don't know if i still want to continue that relationship, he always says he loves me but he also saying that we can't be together and we will have no future bcoz of his culture and his parents will never agree on us, indian men are so confusing, how can they say that they love you if they can't stand up for you and they can't fight for u? That's sounds stupid right?

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  65. Hi Everybody, Hi Alexandra.

    First , congratulations for your nice blog, iam sure it help a lot of people and it give me a good warm feeling that mixte couple can work.

    I am a french girl how will turn 25 years old soon. I was dating, as a "friend with benefit" an indian guy , but after few months, strong attraction and feeling came from my side. I was consired him as my boyfriend inside me, when i was still clear tha, we can not be involve in something like that. He was really clear with me that we had no future. After 1 year and a half, i found a internship in India in his hometown. He has asked his parents to host me. I came in his family, "as his friends". From that moment i came t know the life in India, and what my life will be if i came to marry him.
    As a french girl, i think i would not be happy like that. We were happy in Europe because we didn't had any obligations.
    i am now sad because we had lost our connectionas as now he is engaged and i can not talk to his family. But i thinki know inside that it was the rught decision.

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  66. I am in a relationship where I am hoping he grows a spine and stands up for what he wants. My BFs parent set him up a dating profile and now are demanding he wed and have children soon. They get in yelling matches about it all the time. He always told his friends he would settle down with an Indian woman in an arranged marriage then I came along. We have only been together for 7 months but we are both deeply in love with each other. I keep telling myself that it will be worth it in the end no matter the outcome because I would rather be heartbroken then give up. I tell him ultimately I want him to be happy whether it's with me or not. He definitely doesn't want an arranged marriage but I do fear he may concede to his parents demands. It's extra hard because I have children from a previous marriage as well. I would never want to come between anyone and their parents but I also feel that he should choose his own destiny. I feel for anyone who is or has gone through this. It's sad his parents don't even really know their own son.
    We have both tried to end it but it normally only last a few days because we just can't handle the torture of being apart lol. The other night he looked at me and said "I am so screwed". He wouldn't exactly tell me what he meant but either he will screwing himself out of love or screwing himself because his parents will be disappointed.
    One bonus is we are very open and honest about our feelings. He never lied to me about any of this and was very upfront. I chose to continue over and over when I had the chance to walk away several times.

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  67. Same story as the rest. I live in Canada and was with an Indian guy from Chandigarh for nearly two years. He would repeatedly tell me he loved me. He asked me to marry him several times. Then one day we got into an argument. I was suspicious of some things and needed to confront him. He broke down and that was the end of it. Within two months of that, he had flown back to India and married a woman he just met. I see pictures of them online all lovey-dovey and it is making me feel sick. That is what he did with me! How can these guys jump from one thing to the next? How they can use women, I will never comprehend. I've never experienced anything like it.

    He has contacted me since being married but I haven't replied. I'm somewhat comforted reading these tales and not feeling like I'm alone in this absurdity. People who haven't gone through this have no idea how much this hurts. It was akin to being sold a lie.

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  68. This happened to me as well, but I am the other side of the story, the arranged marriage wife. My husband and I are of the same caste, both living in the US. We were 'introduced' and then dated for a year long distance in different cities in the US before we got married in India. Little did I know that when we returned home to the states, I went back to our apartment and he went back to living with his white girlfriend in their shared apartment. I had no idea of any of this until a year in, after which he tried to pass her off as a roommate. He refused to discuss this further with me, and would not tell her that he is married. I tried to reach out to her so many times but he would say I was being crazy, he would swear up and down that they are just friends and that they are not physical together, just living as friends. That he loves me and wants to be with just me. I know there must have been something going on because they would talk every day and he would keep that a secret. If he would go to see her he would lie and tell me he was going on business. He would not tell her he is married and when she did find out, she was very upset and mailed him his things back in boxes. He still has not opened them. I do not know what to do. It still hurts to this day and I don't know that I will ever know the truth about the situation. We cannot discuss it openly and I cry almost every day.

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    1. I'm sorry to hear this Half Moon. I do question why you can't talk openly about it though? This seems like a tactic by certain Indian men. Keeping "secrets" was a big part of my relation with an Indian guy, as it does seem for most of the comments I read about these situations online (and there are A LOT). The secrets of course only benefit them. I often wonder what my ex's family would think of him if they knew the truth.

      If I were you, I would try reaching out to this woman. I was the "other woman" very recently. When I found out my guy was married, I did want to reach out to her to let her know but I didn't because I know in Indian culture, divorce is taboo (and I didn't want to ruin her life; I figure his karma will eventually be his undoing). If she ever reaches out to me though, I would talk to her very openly. Don't hate the other woman because she is probably wrapped in his web of lies as well.

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    2. Thanks for reading Anonymous! It's good to have someone hear me. I'm sorry this happened to you and that your guy is married to someone else. The secrets thing is big apparently.

      I've tried to ask him questions about it but he just shuts down and refuses to speak about it. It's been very hard to piece together what even happened. We have been married 4 years and I only realized last year that they were still together as a couple. I know I may sound incredibly neieve, but what little information he would give me would be that they were just friends and she was a student he was helping out because she didn't have a lot of money. It wasn't until later that I pieced together that this is the same girl he told me he had been dating (in another city) that his parents didn't approve of. The whole thing is very manipulative for all involved.

      When I tried to contact her, he said she's very poor and if he cuts her off she would be on the street. He was financially supporting her so I was paying most of our bills. He wouldn't discuss finances either, and I found out after we married that he has a mountain of credit card debt.

      I do not hate this woman at all and I wish her only peace in her life. She has since moved from their shared apartment back to her home town. I have contacted her twice, the first time she told me she was not ready to talk as she had just found out about me and him being married. The second time was 6 months later. She did not respond and instead reached out to him and said I contacted her. He pretty much told me that if I keep bringing this up it will be the end of us and he would leave. Dare I reach out a third time?

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    3. I feel bad for you Half Moon. It sounds like you are in a terrible situation. How do you develop trust for your life partner when they are deceitful in this manner? This is one of the most important pillars of marriage. Something does seem incredibly fishy ... and I do suspect he is manipulating both of you. I wasn't aware that you reached out twice. I probably wouldn't try a third time because I doubt you will glean any new information.

      In my situation, I parted with my Indian companion after I found a Shaadi page he had set up. He told me his parents set it up but I didn't believe him. He continued to text me, wanting to get back together with me. In the Spring of this year, through Google Analytics, I noticed a number of hits on my personal blog from countries that never visited before (Malaysia, etc.). He also then started sharing pictures of him in these countries on WhatsApp. All posed alone of course (or as selfies). Anyway, after finding out that he was married, I saw pictures on Facebook (from his new bride's page) of them having a cruise honeymoon in the region during the same time he was reaching out!!! His Facebook still lists himself as single and he has never dared mention that he's now married. He thinks I don't know. But like I said, if his wife were to ever uncover something on his phone and reach out to ask who the hell I was, I would most definitely reply to her. I feel so terrible for her. She is clearly happy to be married but he is out here parading about as though he's still single. Absolute swine.

      I shouldn't give the following advice but ... would you dare go through his phone?

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    4. I'm sorry you are going through this!! I know it must be so incredibly hard to see someone you love do these hurtful and deceitful things that you know are wrong. Good thing is that you parted with him when you found his Shaadi page. I know it must have been hard to do that but you were strong. Imagine if his wife were to find out? I am sure you would not hold back and would speak the truth.

      I really don't know what to do. We did go through a few months of counseling. Mostly he said how he felt bad. When I asked if he is still in contact with her, he would just yell at me saying "What kind of woman do you think she is? She wants nothing to do with me now!" Well, what kind of woman does he think I am, that I have to put up with this? He says he wasn't physical with her but they shared an apartment with 1 bed. How long was he going to keep this up, having her on the side? Would she not want to be married and to have him full time? How would that work? I don't understand. Again, all this comes out after the fact. It's like small trickles of information and god knows what is truth and what is fiction. At this point he wants to stay married and move forward. But I can't ask any details or questions, or he tells me I sound like a broken record. So, I should forget this whole ordeal ever happened just for his ego? I don't understand this at all. His phone is with him all the time and is finger print protected. I don't think they are in contact as she does now know he is married. But it just hurts that you marry someone and think they are your best friend and confidante, and have your best interests at heart, when truly they have their own interests and even the interests of others above yours. It hurts when you put someone else's happiness above your own when they are doing the same but for someone else. If I were to leave I don't know how his parents would handle it and I don't know that I wouldn't be blamed anyway, being the girl.

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  70. Good resource. I'm here because I've been approached by several Indian men on a popular dating site, and I'm apprehensive about dealing with such, because they usually marry their own. I don't want to ever get legally married, but don't want to get used, of course. I'm not very young, also, way, way past student age. I had lived within Indian student community in the US many years ago, back when I was a student, and remember how they all completely shunned and expelled one Indian woman who married a white American, because of her choice, while she was sincerely in love. Of course, all these Indian men claim that they're emancipated, would only be with someone of own choice, whom they fall in love with/not with parents' choice, and that Indian culture had been changing and arranged marriages are less common....blah blah blah, something hard to believe considering what I had seen. There's no way to test or verify if what they say is true (nothing short of meeting their parents before you start dating someone, which is too weird of course)

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    1. You are right, please never get involved with Indian guy. They don't care to lie to you and marry girl of parents' choice. They will not even tell you truth that they decided to get married, they will string you along forever if you let them.
      I knew Indian guy for 10 years, we were close and imagine after it was end between us already, he came back and said he wanted to meet me and see how it is between us as we did not meet for 2 years. So I said ok, but thanks God meeting did not happen and meanwhile I found out he promised marriage to Indian girl. He used to see her, but then told he split...he told she irritates him in many ways, he did not find her that attractive...I was suspicious that something is going on, so I went through internet, FB and could see girl's profile pic with him, so i knew she visited him and his family in Bombay (he told me that he is busy because his male friend from University is visiting). So I got it that it must be serious when parents met the girl and then I found blog written by his friend where he refered to the girl as my ex's "wife to be"...Then I got angry and confronted him and it took lot of effort him to confess.
      Can you imagine that someone who you always supported, was here for him for 10 years will betray you and lie to you this way?
      I don't think these guys are ever able to love or appreciate woman and will be really happy in life.
      Sure I won't tell anything to the girl, she knew about me, but she did not know he wanted to meet me and strung me along until today.
      Anyway, I think I am lucky one here. I can't imagine getting married to such a louse man.

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  71. I really applaud madh-mama for writing this post and allowing people to share their stories through the comments. It has been therapeutic. There is definitely something to be said for not feeling alone in a situation like this. When it happened to me, I searched online quite a bit. This does seem to be a common occurrence amongst Indian men. Because the cultures are so different, I don't know if they could ever truly comprehend how hurtful these practices are. Sure, western men sleep around. But I can honestly say, I have never had a western man (white, black, what have you) give me such a false sense of love through saying it and expressing it, even asking me to marry him ... only to pull the curtain back one day and realize it was all fake. And then to find out they married someone else within a few weeks and that you were just practice - my god! I have never been made to feel like garbage like this. It's been months now and I can't shake it.

    And to the Indian women who are just uncovering their husband's past ... I would love to hear more stories about this. Do you, as well, feel that western women deserved it because we are considered "loose"? Do you feel that you were sold a lie? I would assume that most Indian women believe their husband to be as chaste as they. Perhaps I'm wrong. The person I was with (I refuse to call him a man), admitted to me sexual arrangements he had with women across Canada. Yes, he lived with them. So to anyone thinking their husband had a simple friendship with someone they lived with, don't buy it.

    When I dumped his ass, he was hellbent on keeping us secret. I must never tell anyone. What are the repercussions otherwise? I'll be honest, part of me wants to expose him for the scum he is. Hopefully karma will do that for me.

    Thank you madh-mama. Your blog is helping people in ways that you probably never expected.

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    1. Hi
      I wrote comment above on 12th July.
      I don't think these men understand amount of hurt they cause us.
      When I found out on social media that the guy promised marriage to Indian girl and I confronted him, he even did not say something like sorry I hurt you, sorry I lied...he just was not getting it what he did and kept quiet as nothing happened, while I was angry telling him off. And then he said I am racist and rude. Well, I was rude from such an anger, but no way I am racist. I respect their culture, I dont care if they want to marry only within their race. I just don't respect them to string along Western girls, these games they play, lies...
      Also I said to him he is coward not to stand up for me and he said why would he stand up for me when I am rude and racist. But that was only after he promised marriage to Indian girl, so he turned it against me not bearing in mind it is bit late to stand up for me.

      I don't get how man can do this to girl he knew for 10 years, to lie and string her along. They miss emphaty, normal feelings to girls as to living and feeling human beings probably.

      Also I don't believe all Indian women are that chaste. To be honest I think they consider Western girl loose and this girl my ex will marry seemed desperate to get married from what I heard from him. She did not consider stepping out when he told her about me and how close we were, he told me she kept pushing him into marriage. I think what is point in pushing guy into such a serious thing as marriage, I would not want to marry guy who I have to push into marriage. But it was also probably lot about parents, as he once told me parents introduced this girl to him, but he insisted that he decides, not parents. To be honest he lied in so many things that I don't know anymore what is truth and what not.
      Also I think behaviour of these guys is affected by their culture. There is social pressure on them to get married within their race, caste that even they are adults, they are scared to stand up to their parents and marry girl of their choice. I read society would think badly of guys and their parents if they married non Indian girl, some take it they would ashame family. I read that some parents even make such a drama like telling they will get heart attack or commit suicide coz they son found non Indian girl. Imagine growing up in such a society, we find it unhealthy while they think it is normal.

      I want to say hats down to Indian men who stand up for their Western girlfriends. I was not lucky that my ex was one of them.
      And to all Indian men who aren't brave enough to stand up for Western girl - please don't play with them, don't string girls along when you know you can't commit to them. It hurts a lot.
      We are not dolls you can take and throw away whenever you feel like.

      xxx
      K

      Delete

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