Wednesday, October 28, 2015

Enjoying Motherhood

(Being a first-time mother was absolutely terrifying...)

It's no secret that I've had some tough times since becoming a mother, the majority of it documented on this blog since I started writing when Maya was 4 months old. I have felt terrified, incapable, lonely, lost, exhausted, and having an identity crisis. I have been blessed with an amazing daughter, but it doesn't make motherhood any easier. And moreover, the expectations that we set for ourselves, and that society set for us - is neither attainable or forgiving.

But lately, and I don't know exactly why, I have been really enjoying motherhood. Like, genuinely enjoying it. Not in a fake Hallmark kind-of-way. Not in a boastful (then quietly suffering) kind-of-way. Just a happy in my heart kind-of-way. For quite a while now. Not just today - like every day, for months and months now.

Maybe it's the combination of Maya sleeping in her own bed and fully sleeping through the night. She wakes us up by tapping me on my shoulder and giving me a hug. She knows not to come out of her room until the sun is up "because everybody in the whole world is sleeping". Maybe it's because she's become my little helper - helping with everything from unloading the dishwasher, to baking and cooking, to helping me do the laundry and folding towels, feeding the dog or carrying a grocery bag. Maybe it's because she is understanding more of the world - she asks me questions, listens, and tells me funny little things. She knows not to run out of my sight and she knows to look both ways when crossing the street. She says "please", "thank you" and "sorry". I can take her to any appointment - doctor, vet, insurance, eyebrow threading - and she will be perfectly behaved. Or the fact that she's loving school, which gives me some time to myself to do my work. And she knows she won't get dinner until she sits her bum on the chair politely! And the hugs and cuddles are just the best. Three is such an awesome age (while toddlerhood was absolutely mental and totally sucked!!!)

Or maybe, it has nothing to do with her. Maybe it's just me, and I finally feel like I know what I'm doing as a parent. Like I can actually relax and not be such a total nut-job stress ball. I think that must be it. After all, she could be subconsciously saying about me, "I'm really enjoying you as a parent lately. Thirty is an awesome age on you." (She would totally say that too!)

Whatever it is, I hope we continue to have fun together, and be best friends, no matter what...having a little girl is just the best thing on Earth.

Meanwhile, poor husband-ji is feeling so left out lately. After being such a daddy's girl for such a long time, she has completely switched sides - to which I am secretly thrilled about! She's become such a mummy's girl again. The other day, Maya announced that she was "mummy's daughter, and NOT daddy's daughter", to which we completely burst out laughing. We explained to her that she "is both mummy AND daddy's daughter" but she argues with us every time and swears she is not. She has also become extremely bossy with him (seriously, where on Earth does she get these traits from?!). She would make a great lawyer with these skills! Now husband-ji has his tail in between his legs and sheepishly calls her "beti" [Hindi] instead of "daughter"! We have been having a big laugh about this at our home. Kids...and the things they say!!! I'm sure she will become a daddy's girl again, but for now...I'm fully loving this mummy/daughter closeness!

(Hey Maya, let's take some funny selfie's!)


"A daughter is a mother's gender partner, her closest ally in the family confederacy, an extension of her self. And mothers are their daughters' role model, their biological and emotional road map, the arbiter of all their relationships."Victoria Secunda

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10 comments

  1. Hi Alex,
    Interesting dynamics about Maya and how she interacts with you more now more than dad. I study astrology, so I wonder if there may be some karmic stuff between her and her father that may shed light on their relationship. I know astrology is big in India so maybe they've looked already? Here, some parents go to websites or people and get natal reports on their children so they can know their major characteristics and what their paths/hurdles in life might be. If you're curious I'd recommend looking up a nice astrologer in your area, or go to Astro.com (free and professional website/community) where you can create your own interactive charts (click on it and it will analyze aspects for you) and go to the forums and maybe ask some members to interpret it for you.

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    1. That is so funny that you mentioned astrology. I recently consulted a vedic astrologer (Amma's vedic astrologer - the hugging lady guru) and he said that Maya & hubby have a heavy past life connection. Apparently, in two previous lives she was his AUNTY! We had a big laugh about it, because she is always bossing him around!

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  2. Hi Alexandra!

    This was such a beautiful post and actually gives me hope as a first time parent. Our son is almost 17 months old and he is our world. However, he really tests our patience more often than I would like. Today was one of those days when I was having the best time with him and then he had a meltdown in public when it was time to go home. It was so embarrassing, strangers were looking at me, and one of the employees at the bookstore I was at was coming to see if she could help as we left the store. It made me feel like it will be a long, long road to getting this kid to become a human being who can reason, talk, and act civilized. I'm having a rough time with this period. Also, my husband is wanting to hurry up and try to expand our family with one more baby. Days like today make me question whether I really feel ready! I do look forward to getting to the phase you are at with your daughter...although I know little boys are different than girls. I'm just looking forward to the day when I can take him with me on errands and know he will behave and many of the things you list in your post. :)

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    1. 17 months old is such a difficult age - I was in absolute hell at that age. Really, it was impossible. The only thing that helped me survive the toddler stage was actually being really strict and consistent with my daughter. I had to tell her not to do things (usually dangerous) hundreds of times, it was like a broken record, but eventually she got it. It gets easier, don't worry! I swear! Just hang in there.

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  3. Hello Alexandra, I am commenting here for the first time. I have been reading your blog for quite sometime and I want to tell you that you are one of the most honest and courageous blogger that I have read in a long long time. Please don't stop blogging. you give courage to so many bloggers out there, I am really grateful to you. Your writing is beautiful , you are intelligent and I love the way you express yourself though your writing and creativity. You have such clarity of thoughts, which is rare in many bloggers. I also love the photos that you take, they are lovely. Wishing you all the best,

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    1. This really made my day. Thank you for your kind comment :) I really appreciate it!

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  4. This is so cute :)
    Maya is growing up to be beautiful like her moma

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  5. So happy to hear that things are looking up for you and you are finding your footing and enjoying motherhood. Maya is absolutely precious and I'm sure she is enjoying the extra mama time too =)

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    1. Thank you so much! Yes, it has been quite a learning experience and journey! I am cherishing our bonding time :)

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